Today I was meant to have a baby
“Are you sure you are okay?”
“Yes thanks. I am fine.” My head was still pretty groggy from the anesthesia and I just wanted the conversation to stop so I could rest my weariness.
“Here is our number. If you need to talk give us a call. Be aware that when the day your baby was meant to be born arrives, you may feel incredibly sad, and that is okay.”
The social worker was really a very kind lady, but I knew I would be fine.
“Thank you.”
It was only a few days earlier that we had received the news. We had brought Kalyra with us to see her new baby brother or sister on the ultrasound, the 12 week scan.
We were all excited by the new addition to our family. I was more excited to be moving out of the horrible first trimester lethargy and sickness into the glowing stage of pregnancy.
The warm gel was smeared on my tummy and the picture on the TV zapped into life. I held my breath in anticipation for the first glimpse at my sweet little bub.
But, all I could see was just an empty bubble. Hmm. Where’s the baby? I swear with Kalyra you could see her straight away. Maybe it is hiding somewhere.
But then the sonographer started asking me some weird questions and by her strained voice I knew something was up. I began to tremble.
“Is there a problem?
“I think there might be. I’ll have to examine you internally.”
After further examination she turned to me,
“I am so sorry but the baby didn’t develop.”
Heaving sobs burst out from my chest immediately.
“Why is Mummy crying, Daddy?” Kalyra was still waiting to see the baby on the screen and had no idea of the news we just heard. I had no idea what to tell her.
“Don’t worry Mummy. It will be okay.” A little pat on my shoulder and a kiss on the cheek.
“I don’t understand. How can there not be a baby there? I’ve been so sick, I’ve felt so pregnant.”
A million questions ran through my mind. Had I been delusional the whole time? Was I really not pregnant?
It must have been my fault. I had been so busy with everything, and feeling so sick that I didn’t really put much attention into the baby. I didn’t look after myself, I must have somehow done something for it to not grow. Guilt and blame overwhelmed me.
It was only the next day while sitting with the doctor, after a night of swollen tears, that I understood what had happened with my ‘blighted ovum.’
“Do you mean I was never pregnant?”
“There was definitely conception. But for whatever reason the baby just did not take and so it never developed.”
“So there was never a baby there?”
“Well no not really.”
“But, why did I feel so pregnant?”
“Because your placenta and womb still thought you were. They didn’t know what had happened. And because they are in control of the pregnancy hormones for the first trimester they kept producing the hormones thinking a baby was growing. It is not until the baby starts to develop more that it takes over the hormones. This is when women, who have a blighted ovum, miscarriage. This is when the placenta realizes there is nothing there and so it loses the womb.”
“So you mean there was never a baby?”
“No. But everything else was there.”
There was never a baby. My logical mind then took over. The mind that connects and makes sense of things.
How could I be upset about something that was never there? I’d be just grieving over something that was imagined and this is ridiculous. I really didn’t lose anything.
I knew from that moment on I’d be okay.
The mid-wife spoke to me before my surgery to have everything removed, as it was not willing to leave my body of it’s own accord.
“Are you okay?”
“Well yes. There wasn’t a baby there, so how can I be upset?”
“But still you had that thought there and were expecting it. You’ve been through some trauma.”
“I’ll be okay. Thank you”
There was of course a part of me that did experience some anger at how sick I had felt for 12 weeks and it was all for nothing. I did feel a little cheated, and very put out. Why couldn’t I have found out earlier to save myself the pain?
But, then I thought of my friend who had to give birth to a still born at 26 weeks, or other people I know who, no matter how hard they try cannot conceive.
I have one beautiful baby girl already. So, I felt crap for 12 weeks. Big deal. Their pain is so much worse. They have a right to complain. I did not.
And even though, I was terrified to be having surgery and be put under for the first time in my life, I thought of them and I knew I would be okay.
And even though the next week was filled with cramping pain as my uterus contracted back to normal size, I thought of them and knew my pain was nothing.
Life is always going to throw curve balls at you. Great pain will enter into your life in various forms, it is how we respond to these that determines our future. We can either let that pain and grief overwhelm and consume us, preventing us from moving forward in life and keeping us trapped in our suffering.
Or, we can find ways to face the pain, and then look for some empowering ways to climb over that mountain so our lives can move forward in a more powerful way.
I don’t want this post to ever belittle the pain that someone else may experience in having a miscarriage, because each experience is different. This was just how I was able to deal with it and move forward.
I’ve thought about April 5 for several weeks now knowing that today I could have been in the delivery room going through unimaginable real pain to give birth to our new baby. But, knowing there was never a baby there makes me look at it as just another day that could have been. I only think how nice it would be because now my pregnancy- the one that now has feet kicking my belly– would be over.
Today, I was meant to have a baby that never was.
Today, I’ll remember all of those who really have lost babies, or can’t have them, and I’ll grieve for them.
Comments
Farmers Wifey
I’m sorry for your loss..I do understand how you feel. My last due date was this Feb 18..I felt sad too that day, thinking I should be having a baby. I’ve had 6 miscarriages and the chances that I have lost will always stay with me..
But I have 3 healthy children and I am very blessed. And I feel the exact same way as you do, I think of woman who are desperate to be mothers who go home with empty arms…
And I think of them.
Caz
6 miscarriages. That is a lot to go through. It is a draining experience. I have a friend who has gone through about the same or if not more. She now has two healthy children, which really no one thought could happen. we often talk about what a miracle it is and how lucky she is. Whenever I go to complain about my pregnancy pains I think of her and shut up straight away.
Torkona
Such a sad situation for you two, i can imagine what it would have been like. all the best though and thanks for sharing.
Caz
Thank you Torkona. If it can help someone somewhere then I am always happy to share.
Louisa
Thanks for sharing this very personal story. Having not experienced a miscarriage I can only imagine the many feelings something like this evokes. My heart breaks for those mamas whose arms are empty and breasts are full. x
Caz
I don’t think there could be any greater pain than a parent who loses a child. I’m not sure I could ever survive it. Thank you for your kind comment
Anthony
I’m so so sorry to hear this, Caz. My mother had 2 miscarriages before me and I can’t even imagine what it could feel like. Sending lots of love over the water. Anth
Caz
Thanks Anthony. It’s all good. Our new baby girl is growing well so we are excited for her birth in August.
Andrea
How terribly sad and difficult. I remember seeing your ultrasound picture – I didn’t even know this could happen. Sending healing thoughts to you and your family…
Caz
Apparantly it is quite common. I didn’t know either until it happened. EVerythign happens for a reason. And now we have a healthy baby growing so it’s all good- that is the picture you saw our little baby girl due August.
Jeremy B
Wow, Caz I am so sorry to hear that! I know you and Craig were so excited about this. I am sorry for your loss. I’ve had friends go through this as well and I’ve been told you can’t possibly understand what it’s like unless you’ve gone through it. I’m so sorry.
Caz
Thanks Jeremy. Our pregnancy now is still all good. Our little girl is healthy and kicking like mad. This miscarriage happened last September
Lorna - the roamantics
hey caz, i’m so sorry…and i understand. i know it doesn’t make everything okay, but so glad that as this day arrived, it was with the knowledge that you have a beautiful little girl coming in a few months. warmest thoughts your way.
Cailin
Sorry to hear the news 🙁
Toni
Caz, thanks for stopping by my place. I was a bit like you though I actually didn’t know I was pregnant until I lost her (I just have a feeling she was a girl) so I was very much ‘I can’t miss something I never knew I had’ but I did, very much so. And you’re right, packing my bag and going travelling was exactly what I needed – going solo around Asia for 3 months after a miscarriage was one the hardest experiences of my life but it also made my travels so much more meaningful and rewarding. It’s lovely to read about your ‘party of 3’ and that you continue to travel with your daughter (who is a little stunner!) – here’s hoping for many more years of travel for you and your family =)
Minivan Mama
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine.
Seana Smith
Hello Caz, Just wanted to say hello and that I enjoyed reading this and can relate. I had a blighted ovum pregnancy once and had a shock when there was no baby there. I had felt so very pregnant, cos of the placenta. But it really wasn’t so bad at all, also had a couple of miscarriages and even tho’ I had felt less pregnant, losing the pregnancy was more upsetting… if that makes sense.
I was very fortunate to have had two boys without any issues first, and I was over 40 so knew that it’d be tricky.
After the blighted ovum my husband was more upset than me, in fact. He uttered the immortan words: ‘We must try again.’ Twins were born about 11 months later. Tried too hard!
Caz
Makes total sense to me. It’s easier to cope when you know that there wasn’t really anything there in the first place. I would have been really upset had there been a baby there. So I am grateful for that.
Thank you for sharing your story Seana. Twins after 40 must have been a shock, but I bet you love it!
Lisa Manning
I lived this same scene with my first pregnancy. Not. Fun. At. All. I did mourn for the little one I wouldn’t have. 3 addtional miscarriages brought me to pregnancy number 5…and the birth of my beautiful daughter. While I would never want to go through that pain again, it has served a great purpose. I have been so fortunate to help others that have been through the pain of loss.
Thank you for sharing your heart. It is a small connection that only a woman who has been on that table can share.
I am enjoying your blog!
Lisa
Caz Makepeace
Thank you for sharing your story Lisa. Im so glad that all that trauma led you to your beautiful daughter. I am sure you are a source of inspiration to many woomen going through the same struggles