It’s all My Fault
They are the only words I hear as the non-mother-guilt rational side of me tries to battle back.
“You were just doing the best you could.”
“Yeah, but…”
Back and forth it goes.
The arguing… trying to hide the sense of loss and sadness I feel.
At least I have snuggles
I never thought you could feel like this. With Kalyra I was ready and whilst I was happy to have the odd occasional rest with Savannah, I was not prepared for her to reject it so soon.
She no longer wants to breastfeed.
She is addicted to the formula, like her Mumma is to coffee.
For the past couple of weeks she has been fussing during the witching hour at my breast. On and off, on and off, for hours.
The voice kept telling me, “It’s your milk, it’s your milk. There just isn’t enough for her.”
I’d give her a bottle and watch her guzzle it down, knowing that there was no way she was getting that amount from me. And then always after the bottle, she’d lay there, tapping her feet in quiet contentment.
“But, she is thriving,” the doctors, family, friends always tell me when they see her. And she was, but lately she’s just not been happy.
I left her for a day. She had bottle formula because I can never express anything more than half a bottle. I returned and she’s no longer interested.
“Give me that filling stuff” she roars as she squirms and shouts.
I try to battle back. I can’t hand her over yet. It’s too early.
It’s not the best thing for her. I’ve failed miserably.
Its all my fault.
I watch her squirming as I try to get her to have one more try. She’s not happy and she’s not full.
I boil the kettle
I think about how I must have created this through talking about how drained it made me feel this time, of my hectic lifestyle and me leaving her for the day.
All I can think about is how she might get constipation now, or reflux, or how her immune system won’t be as strong.
God I am so selfish.
My senses soon return.
Whatever is best for her. Whatever she needs, not me.
I can’t ignore the way she greedily gulps it down, how she looks at me like a king well fed, and she lies so quietly after.
I’m sad and I miss her already.
She wouldn’t have a clue that something major has happened for her Mummy. She just has a full tummy and to her that means Mummy loves and looks after her.
Not a scerrick of firmness or mild milk producing feeling can be felt. My breastfeeding days are over, for life.
Note: Since writing this post a couple weeks ago, Savannah is so happy and content on the bottle and doing so well that I feel at peace and happy.
How did you feel once you stopped breastfeeding?
Comments
Veronica @ Mixed Gens
I started to get teary reading this. How did I feel when I stopped Breastfeeding? I wrote a post about it – She weaned and I cried. It surprised me how emotional I felt because it also happened before I was ready. But I’d had 18 months of it and was able to squeeze out one more feed so *I* could have some closure. For Savannah, the fact she’s thriving is best but it still hurts for a time. I’ve a friend with lots of milk but her soon refuses to feed. She’s been giving him EBM in a bottle for almost a year. The little people want what they want.
Caz
The little people are definitely the boss! She is so happy so I feel much better. Being a mother is such an emotional experience
Sara
You can take strength from the fact that you breastfed for as long as your child would let you. Many mothers don’t give their baby a chance to even taste breast milk.
I am a huge advocate for breast feeding, but I am an even bigger advocate for feeding your baby- so as long as she is full & thriving you are doing the right thing as a mother. That silly mother guilt sucks.
Xxx
S
Caz
Thanks sara! Hate the mother guilt thing. Have a post to publish this week on it.
Jodie - Muddled Up Mumma
I battled on with breastfeeding for 8 months. First I didn’t make enough milk and by the time I found medication to help improve supply, Little T had lost interest and patience, preferring the bottle. I felt like you do but in the end it was a relief and was easier for everyone. He was happy and I wasn’t spending all my time trying to make enough for him or sitting on the breast pump. The doctor also told me that the main benefit to their immune system is really only for the first 6 weeks, so that made me feel better that I had persitted for much longer. It’s a tricky time but hopefully you will look back later knowing you did all you could and really when she is older, she’s not going to remember any of this!
Caz
Thanks for sharing what the doc said Jodie, that makes me feel so much better. It’s the thing I worry about most as I want to give her the healthiest start possible, so its good to know most of this is done in the first 6 weeks.
Kellie @ Three Li'l Princesses
I know your pain, Caz. I felt much the same when Ella gave up breastfeeding. I haven’t quite reached that stage with Li’l Holly and am really dreading it – that idea of never being able to breastfeed again.
She is one lucky little bub to have a mum who cares so much. x
Caz
It is weird knowing that it is all over and makes me think do I want Savannah to be the last? But then sanity returns and I know two is enough!
Judy
Such a beautiful post, I KNOW this will help many other mothers out there and if nothing else, will get conversations rolling.
I even sat down to hash out some of my thoughts: http://www.thedaveye.com/2011/12/why-does-breastfeeding-always-come-with.html
Caz
Thanks Judy! I loved your post
Janice (5 Minutes for Mom)
Stopping breastfeeding – especially your last baby – is so emotional. There will never be any experience I cherished more in my life than nursing my children.
(Having said that, I admit that nursing my first child for the first month of his life was the most difficult, exhausting, brutal experience! I always say that breastfeeding an older infant or toddler is pay back for making it through the first month!)
I only had two babies – and I knew with my second that I wouldn’t have another. I miss that aspect of mothering desperately. But I am also so grateful to not get up at 3am. 😉