Am I not kick-ass or remarkable enough?
Warning: This post is filled with an empowering message rather than a whine.
It was awesome except I wasn’t on it.
Last week The Remarkables was born which is great, except I wasn’t on it,
Why not?
Am I not kick as or remarkable enough?
Immediately that part of me that thinks I am the centre of the world, stuck out its bottom lip and began to pout. I listed all the reasons why I should be on the lists and what was wrong with the list makers were for not putting me on it. I think I even called the lists stupid.
You know what it’s like.
You are working hard, pushing barriers for your dreams. You’ve got amazing things going on and in your own space you feel like you are kick ass and being remarkable. You really want to be kick ass and remarkable.
The the list comes out or best blogs are announced, you’re not there again and your whole world deflates. You feel as if these lists are actually sending you a private message to say you are not remarkable or kick ass.
Your eyes turn green and you start to point the finger at everyone else in an effort to disguise the fact that just maybe you really aren’t doing anything remarkable and kick ass.
After I had my five minute pout of indignation and let go of those insecurities and slighted feelings I settled myself in to answer the real questions.
The questions that, instead of allowing me to make Sulker of the Year award, allow me to be aware of my thoughts and feelings, to acknowledge them, and send them on their way as I make the decision to learn and grow.
Just why wasn’t I on those lists? Am I not kick ass or remarkable enough or is it something else?
Am I not kick ass?
You know Corbett Barr doesn’t even know I exist. Why? Because, as Kelly Exeter put it so well in her post on putting yourself out there instead of waiting to be discovered, it’s because I haven’t let him know I exist. In fact, I haven’t let anyone on that list at all know I exist, except Annabel Candy, who is my online friend, and is kick ass.
I haven’t been putting myself out there. I haven’t been building the relationships. I haven’t been saying here I am and this is what I do and this is how I can help. I’m really not rocking the world.
Instead of getting the shits at not being included, I can instead say, how can I use this to better myself?
There is the tendency, especially in Australia, to drag down those who are doing better than you. No matter what your success or position in life, there is always someone doing better than you.
We are all human and we all experience these emotions or failure or not being good enough, and we can, but, only for a few minutes. Feel it, express it and then ask it to move on.
Yesterday Corbett Barr released a post 19 women who kick ass online.
Why are those ladies on the kick ass list and not me?
Simple answer. Because they are kick ass and doing so much more than me.
So what can I do? Instead of tearing them down, I instead say I want to be like them.
How have they made that list? What are they doing? How can I be like them?
I created a list on twitter, kick ass women. I put them all on there and now I am going to connect with them, follow what they do and learn from them. I’ve already learned a lot. Now I really really want to do Marie Forleo’s B School, but applications are closed and the money for it is still finding its way to me.
I’ve recognized that I am not doing nearly enough on my blog. I don’t have the platform, the traffic, the momentum, and the kick ass results. There is so much more I want to do on this space that I think could be kick ass, but I don’t because I like to use that I don’t have time excuse.
Well that is partly true, our travel blog takes up the majority of my time and that is my first and biggest love and where most of my remarkable kick ass factor comes into play 🙂
But, that excuse is not going to help me make ramp it up and really be the kick ass I want to be.
What about being remarkable?
I was really happy when I first heard about the new blogging agency, The Remarkables. It’s something I have been wanting to see in our Australian industry and I love how are remarkable these five women are.
Honestly though, when I saw the list and the name, I felt slightly offended and started listing all the reasons why I was remarkable. I mean I have worked with so many big companies, worked with tourist boards to highlight destinations around the world, I have done this and that, and finally when I came to my pinky finger I shouted
“For Godsake will you get over yourself?”
Here were people I admired and were so deserving and I was begrudging their success because of my own insecurities. I would be upset if someone tried to tear my dreams down like that. I really want the best for everyone and I think everyone naturally is the same. Sometimes though we forget and allow that small egocentric part of us to take control of our thoughts and words instead.
So often we feel that these lists are so personal. Like the creators of them deliberately go out of their way to exclude us. This is just not true. It might just mean that we don’t fit the model at the time, or we might come in somewhere further down the list, or we just might not be meeting those remarkable goals just yet.
It doesn’t mean we can’t. It doesn’t mean that what we do in our own little world every day is not remarkable.
I don’t think it was Lorraine’s intention to create that exclusion vibe. I think she was just saying the blogging industry is remarkable, brands working with bloggers is a remarkable partnership and these women, right now, are doing remarkable things. And they are. We can’t not celebrate someone merely because we feel slighted.
At the end of the day it really is not all about us, as much as we’d love it to be. The validation is lovely. We all like to see that we are making a difference, achieving our goals and reaching the top, but it is not all that important.
What is important is that we are living our best kick ass life and being remarkable. And if we do it quietly and we don’t make the list it’s just as good as making the lists and everyone knowing about it. We can be happy for those who do and be grateful for the opportunities that open up for all of us as result.
We choose the way we react to things. We choose to be the victim and to have these feelings. We get wrapped up in our self-pity and instead don’t stop to think why these lists of kick ass and remarkable women are so important.
1. They celebrate what magic people are creating in their lives and helping others to create
2. They show each of us how much we are really capable of
3. They inspire and motivate us to be kick ass and remarkable ourselves.
At least this is the empowering way to look at it. Why look at it any other way?
How do you feel when you don't make the list?
Comments
Veggie Mama
Caz, this is fricken awesome. So much of what we perceive is coloured by out own baggage. I love how you acknowledge that, allow the hurt feelings, then move on. THAT, my dear, is KICK-ASS!
Caz
Thank you Stacey! I think we get in the way of ourselves so much. I think if we just realized we are humans we experience these shitty feelings and that is okay. As long as we learn the lesson from them, quickly send them on their way and turn it into an empowering situation for ourselves. Otherwise life just gets too hard.
Amy Zempilas
Amazing amazing post! Firstly because I have never heard of Corbett Barr, so thanks for the intro. Secondly – you’ve just nailed what we all feel from time to time in life, not just in the blogging world. We should all draw inspiration from those that are doing well, and celebrate their success… I think it’s pretty powerful when we can be truly happy for other people. Thanks for a remarkable and kick ass post. Amy xxx
Caz
Corbert Barr is kick ass! I think when we are truly happy for others it is also giving ourselves permission to be the same and to have the same happen for us. Thanks so much Amy!
Kelly Exeter
Well as you know we are completely on the same page here! I totally get the hurt feelings and the feelings of ‘what, am I not good enough’ that so many people seem to be having … but as you say, move on, run your own race and worry about your own square metre 🙂
Oh and pick yourself 😉
Caz
Yes. I think we are so often told that the bad feelings shouldn’t be there that we get so good at covering them up and not realizing what they are there for. To teach us things, to help us be better. WE have to acknowledge them so we can do that.
I spoke at an event about empowering childbirth on the weekend and my focus was on the fact that the pain is actually a good thing that we shouldn’t hide from. It teaches us how strong we are, how we can dig so deep to overcome anything, and from the pain absolute perfection and a miracle is born
Brooke {Slow Your Home}
I truly believe comparison is the thief of joy. You are enough. You are remarkable. You are kick-ass.
But that’s not to say we shouldn’t try to better ourselves. If we want success, we need to improve, and taking inspiration from these lists of people who have “made it” is a great way to do it. It’s not an easy thing to say, “Actually, I’m not as good as them.”
But it’s even harder to say, “Actually, I’m not as good as them…right now. But I can be.” Which is what this post says to me.
Nice one, Caz!
Caz
LOVE this. I absolutely agree. I think if we are going to compare we need to remove ourselves from it and look at what someone else is doing as a way to help us improve and be better.
Thanks Brooke!
Fiona
<3 this post.
I felt a little odd… but knowing I don't put the effort in that som people do.
x
Caz
I think its normal to feel a little odd. I really think every one has feelings like this, but as you said you know you probably don’t put the effort in. That is what’s important. If we don’t look in we only look out to avoid looking in and that can turn nasty.
Nikki @ Styling You
Oh Caz, if I could give you a big squeeze right now, you know I would. It’s been a life-long learning for me to celebrate other people’s successes – and it’s really come into play since starting my own business 4 years ago. I know this is a bit out there but I don’t think I could have achieved anything if I hadn’t celebrated all the wins of my business girlfriends along the way. The big thing is we all have different goals – it’s really no use looking over the fence at someone else kicking their goals – they might be aiming at a completely different place!
PS. Nice work with the Nissan X-Trail … perfect person to be posting about road trips in that x
Caz
Thanks Nikki. Hug coming back. I think as you get into your own business or pathway to whatever you are pursuing, you start realizing just how hard it is and when you see others get to where you want to be you can feel happiness as that is so what you want. I know that many people don’t view it this way. I think you have to if you are going to have success. I don’t believe you can have what you don’t wish for others.
That is why it is so important we are aware of our feelings and what they mean. They can be little devils that take over subconsciously. We need to rein them in. My negative thoughts only lasted about a minute. I could easily recognize it, thank it, and snap it back out. I know it was a thought that was purely coloured by my own baggage as Veggie Mama put so well.
You’re an inspiration to many Nikki and you are always helping others too.
Mrs Woog
Excellent post Caz.
When I do not make a list I congratulate those who do! I have never won any blogging awards. I am TOTALLY ok with that and admire those who are recognised for the work that they do.
As far as being a part of The Remarkables, I am totally honoured. It is an experimental business model and nothing more than that. I think that the future is bright for bloggers, both for “pure” bloggers who write for the love of it and those who think…. “Maybe this is something I am good at and can do to make a crust.”
And for those who want it, it is there.
I am inspired by so many lady writers on the internet. It is just an amazing space that we play in.
Thanks for your post Caz. It is so comforting to know that there is some support out there.
xx
Caz
I think everyone’s aim in life should be to spend their days doing what they love and getting paid for it. Why does society try condemn those who want to do this and who are doing it?
I honestly believe it comes down to that small egotistical part of us that feels insecure and jealous that we have not yet learned to master. Anything else does not quite make sense.
I think the space is moving in a positive way and I know that how hard everyone works so I am always happy to see rewards come to anyone. The madness will die soon. With great change comes great chaos.
kirri
I have no doubt you will be on such a list one day Caz (remember my words ok?).
You’re on my personal list of kick ass women!
True story about putting yourself out there – I was chatting via email with one of my U.S coaching buddies who has Danielle LaPorte lined up as a speaker for her course (!!). Completely in awe, I was curious how she pulled that one off Her answer ….” I asked and she said yes”.
Caz
You are so lovely Kirri- a true gem of a person.
That is so awesome about your coaching buddies. I have really learned how important it is to ask. It has been one of my mottos now to always ask because if you don’t the answer is no anyway. You’ll be so surprised at how often you get a yes. Each yes gives you more confidence to keep asking.
Lorraine
Hi Caz,
I love your post.
“So often we feel that these lists are so personal. Like the creators of them deliberately go out of their way to exclude us. This is just not true.”
The last thing that I intended for The Remarkables Group was to exclude – we want to pave the way for other bloggers who want to work with brands, making it easier for others to do so as well.
I’m so sorry that you were even slightly offended at not being one of The Remarkables. You’re brilliant at what you do. Every blogger is brilliant – the passion and dedication that they invest in their blog is brilliant.
Once we’ve got it right, we’ll be adding more bloggers – and I can’t wait for that to happen. But for the moment, I need to work hard to get it right so that it’s doing justice to Australian bloggers.
If there’s any way at all that I can help you be more ‘kick-ass’, you know where I am. 🙂
Lorraine
Caz
Thanks Lorraine! I truly felt slighted for only a brief minute. And that was absolutely my problem and issue. It’s taken me thousand of dollars in courses and hours of my time working on myself and years of meditation to be able to even get to the point where I can become aware of these negative feelings and work to snap them out as quick as I can before they take control.
I think what you are doing is awesome. It’s different and new and that always means shaky ground for lots of people. But I think it means great things for everyone.
You can only do what you can do now and of course you have to start with those who have big platforms. It’s no different to sportstars, musicians and actors. I think blogging is all so new and accessible that its difficult to stop and compare it in that way. You’ve always been a big supporter of bloggers so I have no doubt that great things will come of this. Kudos for you for putting yourself out there to do it first in this way.
Marissa Roberts
No THAT’S what I’ve been waiting to hear after all the gossip I’ve been hearing this past week! So proud of you Caz, brilliant 🙂
I’m in B-School this year and I think you would rock it! I’ll be shocked if it’s not on again next year, and I’ll do it again every year it rolls out because there’s so much good stuff to learn – so lets do it together next time!
Meanwhile, I’ll keep loving what you do here 🙂
Caz
I can’t wait to hear of your B-school experiences Marissa. I’m definitely in next year, I’m so disappointed I have to wait a year though!
I haven’t really heard any of the gossip. I saw a few tweets going round and a couple of things here. I think I wrote the post because I wanted to say hey I felt like that too, but only for a few minutes. And I think its normal to feel like this,but you gotta get yourself out of the way. At the end of the day the negative reactions don’t serve us very well.
And they rent too much space in our head which we should be using for totally kick ass courses. You are going to rock the course! Keep me updated please.
Maid In Australia
Now that is a truly remarkable attitude to have. I’m off to kick some arse now …
Caz
Kick high and hard Bronnie, you deserve it.
Corinne
Such a good post. I agree with everything you have written. I really don’t get the negativity, I don’t.
This is spot on: “We choose the way we react to things. We choose to be the victim and to have these feelings. We get wrapped up in our self-pity…”
Of course we all feel a little slighted when we’re not recognised and feel we should be. Of course we want to feel we’re being heard and understood. You’re not going to be heard or appreciated if you knock other people down or get wrapped up in your own bitterness.
The past few years have been a time for me to stop feeling this way, in real life and in blogging. Be happy for others and work out what’s best for me and how to achieve it.
If you feel slighted, feel those feelings and then move on, I say.
I’m not a Remarkable or kick-ass or any of those things (except in my own mind). I keep doing what I’m doing because I love it and occasionally someone who’s opinion matters to me says, well done.
Caz
Perfectly put Corinne! There’s two reasons why negativity is so bad
1) Because it can just be mean and hurt other people
2) Because it hurts ourselves more and does nothing to make our lives any better or any easier.
If the first reason wasn’t enough then you’d think the second one would sure get you moving on the positive and encouraging wagon!
We’ve all been there and we all have our moments, but life has been so much better for me when I stopped being the victim and realized that I did have control over my own life.
Jim
Create your own kick arse list, place yourself up top, then close it!
Others are merely your yardstick, not governors.
“Should a single flower bloom
in the desert solitary,
if no-one ever saw it,
Would it still be rare beauty?”
Caz
You are a rare beauty Jim! And I am so glad I’ve had the chance to meet you and see it. Thank you for sharing this poem. Is it one of yours?
Jim
Just came to me today while contemplating a relative in distress, and then reading this post.
We must find the strength to be the best we are, not what others expect us to be. Each of us has unique, sometimes rare beauty, and that is us -whether we are on someone’s list or not.
Jim
I was trying to say we are all remarkable!
Caz
LOVE it Jim! You’re a beautiful soul
Bret @ Green Global Travel
You are MORE than kick-ass enough for me. But you knew that!
Caz
You are awesome Bret!! You are on the all time kick ass list!
Grace
This is such a great post!
The blogging industry here is moving into exciting places, we should all be celebrating what our peers are doing. Because wouldn’t they do the same for us ?
Thanks for the reminder that we’re all pretty remarkable in our own way. All of our paths are different. So too are our definitions of success. Let’s embrace that rather than shut it down.
Caz
Beautifully put Grace. We all need to be using our words and our hands to lift each other up not pull us down. I think you have to be happy for those who have what you want, else you won’t get it.
Tat
That’s a fantastic way to look at things! I used to feel overlooked and not remarkable enough, until I relalised, you know what, I don’t have to wait for anyone else to discover me, I can take responsibility for what happens in my life and put myself out there, and work for whatever it is that I want. And if I don’t – then it means that I have consciously chosen something else in my life that is taking priority right now then that’s ok, but then the results I can expect are relevant to my efforts. It feels so much better to be in charge as opposed to give control over to someone else!
Caz
I love this comment Tat. Thank you. It is so much easier to be in the victor than the victim. The problem is so many people are being the victim so subconsciously. They don’t understand that they can change the course of their life. Being aware and taking responsibility for our lives and choices is the most empowering thing you can do
Deborah
Caz, I saw some of the Twitter conversation about ‘The Remarkables’ last week and was disappointed.
I’ve been blogging for a few years but am still very much at that amateur status with both of my blogs – though trying to ‘up the ante’. I sometimes wonder what it is that I do or don’t do to be more recognised, get more readers etc…
But while I sometimes feel intimidated by the more established bloggers… I do not begrudge them any of their success and am constantly inspired by them. They’ve paved the way and deserve the success they have!
Deb
Emily
Love your post and a hello to you, just read about you on Edenland now Styling you….. Freaky stalky not intended.
I think I get where you are coming from….. You are remarkable and have, like you said, have achieved so much offline, why not be recognised online.
Got told the other day not to get caught up in “competing” to be up there with the big blogs, the remarkables, but stay true to what you want your blog to be about. Thx Nikki, good advice.
Mines about me. I would like someone to say that regardless of all the stuff ups, you are pretty remarkable and I think most people feel the same way.
Oops, this is turning into a post….. All I can say is that today more than one blog pointed me to your site, pretty remarkable and you have yourself another follower Lady Kickass
And as Michelle Pfeiffer says, “there are no victims in this classroom”
mrs sabbatical x
Caz
Ha Ha! Stalkers are always welcome Emily- freaky or not! Thanks so much for your comment and I love Michelle Pfeiffer’s comment- so empowering! It took me a few years to change from being a victim to a victor- I tell you life becomes beautiful when you do because you can turn any lemon into lemonade!
btw.. I could hear you coming over here with that Moot on your foot. Cute blog!! I love your voice and I hope your foot heals soon. Sounds nasty!
Zoey @ Good Googs
I rarely make any list! But I actually see that as a good thing. I am in the process of un-monetising my personal blog and so I’m happy with my personal space being small and under the radar. Gives me more freedom to do my own thing and keeps pesky internet trolls away!
But I know what you mean. It can be hard to not make the list or be voted for or whatever it is. Which is why I mostly don’t get involved anymore. When someone nominated me for the SWC awards and I wasn’t a finalist it stung. The finalists were so deserving. But when you write something as close to your heart as a personal blog you can’t not care. But you let yourself feel it and you move on. That’s my philosophy anyway!
I had lots of criticisms of The Remarkables Group from the perspective of their brand message and positioning which I think were doing their launch a really big disservice. Not because I was whining, but because I am passionate about the success of the 5 bloggers involved in this new venture.
I really hope it’s ok to have different opinions and be supportive, otherwise I think we are really in trouble!
Caz
Internet trolls just blow my mind. I can’t understand what would make some peopel act in those ways. It is really difficult when you put your heart and soul into something to not feel disappointment if you don’t win or make the lists. I think what you said is perfect, feel it and then move on. I think if we don’t feel it then it acts out in unhealthy ways.
I think it is absolutely okay to have different opinions and to be supportive and it can be done. ( I wish Craig would support me more on my opinion that he should give me a massage every night after cooking me dinner:) )
btw I think your blog is lovely!
Deb @ Bright and Precious
I confess to feeling the ‘am I not kick ass enough’ feelings too. I’ve have had to work hard to change that around. Like yourself, I’m trying to learn from my list of kick ass women. They are gracious and inspirational and I am genuinely happy for their success. You are remarkable (this post reflects that – and I haven’t read a post of yours before) – and I hope that the world will see how remarkable you are more and more.
Caz
Thanks so much Deb. Great to see you here. It;s hard when we compare ourselves to others so much. We really need to stop doing that.
janet
my blog was supposed to be about being remarkable but i’m so….not
i WILL make that list though.
i know i got it in me somewhere.
good luck to us!
Caz
Yes you will and you are remarkable by default of birth!
Donna @ NappyDaze
Caz this is fantastic and really echoes the sentiments of many bloggers. I’ll admit to a childish sting at first each time there is a competition or some sort of compilation of bloggers being segregated from the rest (I saw something once that labelled a group ‘The A List of Blogging’ and truly I nearly cried!) but I also then take the time to acknowledge its my own insecurities at play and that I am not being as proactive as many others are. I too hate the tall poppy syndrome and agree success should be celebrated.
I do very much applaud The Remarkables and think its a great initiative for the blogosphere in Australia. I honestly do think they’ve picked a fine selection and it gives those of us with goals (whether they be blogging related or not) another challenge to work towards.
And just in case you need it said, you Caz, are a very remarkable, kick ass blogger and one who’s successes I really admire!
Caz Makepeace
Aw thank you Donna.I appreciate that.
I don’t think we can ever get rid of that childish sting. I just think it’s a part of who we are as imperfect humans, but I think we can learn to control it. I felt it again this afternoon when another email came through about great blogs (Not an A list, that would hurt!!) but I got over it quick enough. Again it comes back to how can I expect me to be on it at the sake of someone else. You can’t steal away what others also deserve.
Jealous about your night at The Voice!! That show is awesome and Darren’s performance that night was smoking. Must of been so amazing live.
debbie
ahh…its a odd feeling..like kind of not making the grade or being left out of the crowd..whilst I never expect to make a ‘list’ and I have never ever been negative about someone else or their blog instead prefferring to congratualte them in their hard work.. blogging takes some effort (and thats the beauty of blogging and Im afraid thats just not me) but I would wonder what the hell I was doing wrong…but when you stop wondering about what everyone else is doing and just do it because you love it..well it all works out in the end.
I love writting my blog. For me and for the others in my situation. I love it.
My feeling now is I dont care anymore (well I tell a lie maybe just a little …its a personal confidence issue…Im 35 years old give me time..lol) if I dont make a list and I know the likely hood of that is probably little but the reality is I dont care because I have met and connected with mez, rachel, emma, lilly and so many others and its not from being on a list and those friendships because thats how I see them they far out way any notriety a list can offer. I tresure them more than being in bloggers top 25..now just to hit that submit button xx Deb
Caz Makepeace
There is so much more to gain from blogging then just making the lists. The connections you make are amazing and that is my favourite part as well. I have so many friends I feel I could sit and have lunch and a coffee with like we were old friends and I’ve never met them in real life.
Inspiration to Dream
I think all you can do is be the best you can be.
I’m not sure I’d like all these ‘strangers’ advising and misquoting me like I see Eden getting. Yeah sure she gets lots of good comments but bah, me, I’m happy to just plod along with my little manageable group of followers and be ‘me’.
Not to say my eyes don’t turn a slight shade of green – but then I shake it off and get real.
Good luck with the ‘networking’, sure seems like you got a few of them commenting here and tweeting about your post which is a first step.
Cheers, Fi
Sarah
You know what the funny thing is Caz. I think of you as one of the kick ass remarkable bloggers that I aspire to be. I watch you blend life and parenting and business together and I admire your energy and your passion for what you do. We all want to be recognized for what we put our heart and mind into, it’s natural…when I feel a little directionless or like I’m juggling too much without focussing on one amazing thing I channel the amazing zen like qualities of keven Costner. If you build it they will come – keep going lovely lady x
Vegemitevix
A huge me-too to just about everything you’ve said. Struggling with getting over myself and just getting out there and doing it. Thanks for the stick, and the carrot! Vix x
Brooke vs. the World
Oh Caz, I know the feeling so well 🙂 I don’t seem to make many lists these days, but I’m also too busy to be as connected as I’d like to be… and like you mention — you have to let people know you’re there to even be considered!
I love your ability to turn a negative thought into a positive. Hope all is well 🙂
Caz Makepeace
It’s so hard to keep that connecting going especially when you are travelling so much. At the end of the day its not the lists that are important it’s that you are doing what you love! When are you two coming back? Would love to catch up to hear all about it