Why I Spend 20 Minutes on the Toilet
WARNING: If you are eating STOP reading this edition of “Craig is in the house“.
Caz: “What are you doing in there?”
Me: “What do you think I’m doing!”
Caz: “Would you just hurry up! How long do you want to take?”
Me: “Yeah righto. Do you need to go?”
Caz: “NO!”
Me: “Then what’s the problem? I’m not hurting you!”
Caz: “What is wrong with you? How can you sit in that disgusting smell on a filthy seat for so long? Just do what you need to do and get off the bloody thing!”
Me: “What smell. I can’t smell anything!”
Caz: “Are you for real. You’re sitting in stench reading or whatever, when you could just go sit some place nice and more comfortable and read!”
Me: “Look. You just worry about what you’re doing and leave me alone!”
Caz: “Just get off the damn toilet! Why you want to sit on there for hours is beyond me. And don’t forget to spray!”
Yep. That’s pretty much how the conversation goes in our household once a day.
Now, correct me if I’m wrong. But I don’t think I’m alone in this behavioural habit? I know for a fact Caz’s brother is notorious for spending an eternity on the shitter. Longer than me I’d bet.
And I have heard rumblings coming from a few select households from other women about, umn, prolonged toilet behaviour.
What can I say? It has to be a boys thing!
We don’t understand “half” the things you women do either 🙂
For me, it used to be my quiet place to enjoy the sports section of the newspaper. That was until these things called “smart phones” were invented. Now I’m running my business from the toilet!
Let’s face it, it’s easy to get consumed in a blog post, send an email, tempting to click on my sports apps for the latest scores, or more importantly stalk people on facebook.
If only I could shit in peace!
Honestly, if I’m not interfering with my wife’s day to day activities and preventing her from gaining access to the dunny (Aussie for shitter) then why does she go off so much.
It used to be just verbal abuse by Caz, now I’m dealing with break and enter!
Our five year old Kalyra was the first. Being a daddy’s girl daddy couldn’t go anywhere without little Kalyra far behind. And that included banging the toilet door down till she broke her way in to my “man cave”.
my man cave
Now it’s the one year old Savannah who seems to find enjoyment by sitting on daddy’s knee in the stench whilst daddy does his thing.
Don’t. We. Have. Two. Thousand. Toys. She. Can. Play. With??
I know what you’re thinking, this Makepeace clan has family gatherings in the toilet. They’re a bit weird and disgusting!
Am I alone?
I really hope we’re not the only weird family out there?
No Craig. Remember you had this very conversation the other day with one of your mates and he can’t shit in peace either without his kids “breaking and entering!”
Boys, I expect all of you to back me up on this!
Boys?
Boys??
So, in answer to your question, why is it that I sit on the toilet for so long? Well, I wish I had an educated and informed answer, but honestly, I don’t.
It’s just my place to sit and read and contemplate life. Well, when I don’t get disturbed that is…
What's your say?
Does your husband, boyfriend or brother behave like this?
Or does he annoy you in another way?
Comments
Tork
Well written man. You’re not alone, although i don’t spend long times on the dunny, i do utilise the time if I need peace & to not be bothered. it is the one place any males will be left alone! 🙂
Craig Makepeace
Hey Tork,
I knew I wasn’t alone. Thanks for the back up buddy!!! 🙂
Tony James Slater
Well… I would reckon I spend more time on the toilet than most men alive. Well, most men under eighty anyway!
I have this… um… this thing. This issue.
And to cut a long story short, I go a lot. Like, every half an hour… all day, and for most of the night.
I know! Fun.
So I have a fair appreciation of what you mean… if I didn’t build ‘loo breaks’ into my timetable, about 3/4 of the stuff I plan would never get done. As opposed to 1/2 of it, which never gets done anyway.
You know, it just occurred to me that I blogged a bit about this a while back – actually when it happened… the long story being cut short, I mean!
Here’s a link – don’t worry, there is nothing too distasteful on the other side of it :0)
It’s just a blog post I called ‘The Cock-Chop Op’…
Enjoy, men of the world – and women – if you dare!
http://AdventureWithoutEnd.com/2011/01/21/the-cock-chop-op/
Tony
Craig Makepeace
Tony,
Oh man. I just read your post. I’m speechless and trying not to think about what you went through! But envisioning you and the other 6 dudes in the waiting room brings a wee smirk to my face, sorry mate 🙂
I must say, I’ve been nervous about getting the birth control “snip” but after reading that it should be a piece of cake!
Tony James Slater
Cheers Craig! Yeah, you could smell the fear in that room. Hell, you could cut it with a knife!
Rachel from Redcliffe Style
I don’t know how men can stay in there for so long. My husband takes his iPhone in there and kills zombies or builds city or some other crap. His mother takes in her coffee. Seriously gross family. Rachel
Craig Makepeace
Hi Rachel,
Lol, kills zombies and builds cities. Now the iPhone I can understand. But the coffee?? WTF!! That is gross.
Lyn
PMSL! That is so my household, EXCEPT I’m you & my hubby is Caz and of course I experience the break & enters from our 2. Thank you Craig, I feel somewhat normal after reading this post:)
Craig Makepeace
Lyn, welcome to the dark side ha ha 🙂 That’s too funny, didn’t know you were out there. I thought it was just us blokes!
Kathy
Hey I’m a Mum and my two and half will actually sit on my lap while I’m on the toilet if I let him! We have two bathrooms, but I can’t lock the ensuite, so I after much frustration, I convinced my husband put in a barrel bolt to lock our bedroom so I can have some peace. Having said that its usually just a quick bit of respite – no reading or iphoning – just a simple moment of stillness….it is enough.
Craig Makepeace
Hey Kathy,
I hear ya loud and clear on the “simple moment of stillness” and bit of respite 🙂
jan
I tell my husband if he didn’t read in the toilet he wouldn’t take so long in there, but he disagrees, he says he is just passing time till the main event. He LOVES his toilet time!
Craig Makepeace
Hey Jan,
Lol. Another one for the “club” 🙂
Carly
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post. Until now I thought my husband was some weird kind of a freak. It used to be the paper but since the addition of the iPhone his toilet time has doubled! Our three year old also loves a good break and enter which repulses me to no end.
But after reading this it looks like I have nothing to worry….. the toilet cave is universal!
lilfox
I am a woman, as long as I can remember I have always loved spending time in the toilets. When I take a dump, I can stay as long as 45 minutes. (I need 2 minutes to get the real business done, and then the rest of the time I spend to my liking).
When I was a kid I used to read novels there, and I would read so much faster than when just sitting on a couch ! They I decided to learn my lessons in that special part of the house. And it works so well, I am so focused when sitting on the thrown( as we call it in French) !!
My mother tried to break the habit when I was a teen, I hated it, I felt like a hunted animal every time I went to use the toilets.
Now that I am a young adult living alone, I take my laptop along with me (a whole new level that I have reached huh !), or it could be my ipod, or my phone, my lessons etc… I answer my emails, hell, I even call my best friends from my toilets !
After 10 minutes, I don’t think it stinks that bad anymore, I guess people like me and you (the blogger of that article) get used to the scent. And, although I am not tripping on the scent of my own doo-doo I find it quite comforting ? (NOW I am getting weird)
My ex would find my ways gross and he wouldn’t understand. I think I kinda enjoyed it when he was whining behind the door : “Ewwww babe, what are you doing ?! Get out ! It’s been 20 minutes already. I’m bored, get out please ? please? Now baby come on, this is really nasty, it stinks !” Ahh I miss those times ^^
So, you are not alone, I understand you.
Some women can understand you !
Greetings from France
(And in case you were wondering, I wrote that message while sitting at my desk ^^)
Caz Makepeace
Hilarious! Thanks so much for sharing. Craig will be stoked as all the men in the world to have a female ally
Nicki
Omg! I am a young woman and I always enjoy taking long dumps too! I hear other women complain about their men doing this and I’m just thinking “wait not everyone does this????” I totally understand Lilfox I am 100% with you.
Alan
I suffer from constipation a bit.So I can relate.But I still get comlaints for taking to long.Haha
Caz Makepeace
Ha You are excused then Alan!
baffled
my husband takes one hour. he frequents toilet way often. i hate him and this will be the major reason for my divorce. why luve with git when all he does is sit on toilet. bloody moron of weak bladder and shit mania.
Anne
Haaa some people just don’t understand. I swear I have the same habit (It’s not a problem I swear…) <3 I'm a teen and I swear on my toilet that the phrases, with all their variants, "What's taking so damn long? Did you fall in?" or my personal favorite, told to me by my mother, "What's taking you? Are you taking an elephant shit?" exist in EVERY language. No joke. Plus my fam is Russian so you can imagine that when they get pissed they make it their damn MISSION to embarrass the shit out of you(in this case me)…ESPECIALLY when you take your time on the toilet… I'm a girl and I swore that I was just a… special… person for wanting to take something in with me to "productively" waste my time whether it's facebook, a comic, or whatever the hell else I could think of. No lie I came upon this blog as I was searching on google for info if sitting on the toilet for too long was bad for your bum… then I found this and… I swear… Can you imagine how RELIEVED I was??? THANK YOU for this blog and even though I'm not a boy so that I can back up your story, I can definitely say that as a human this rang true with me <3 So Again THANK YOU <3 <3 😀
Katherine
My husband and I are literally having this argument now only the roles are reversed. It’s my quiet alone spot ti read or even watch tv on my tablet. I dont think it’s a big deal while he’s screaming “you’re gonna get hemmoroids”. My cat likes to sit on my lap with me.
Katherine
If I do not get my “special morning time” it ruins my day.
Nicki
Same
Toi let
Wow!!! im happy to know that im not alone . well i sit a lot of time in toilet but i obly took 6 or 10 mins max to poo the rest of the time i will be dreaming , thinking , texting friends so on. so the times go on and its like 1 hour to even i sat 4 hours . the thing is i feel so concentrated and i get lot of ideas and peace when i sat in toilet . when i say this to my family abd friends they are bit scared . but i cant stop doing this .when i enter toilet i start thinking and keep on thinking . one night i was doing night shift in my office .i went toilet and slept sitting for 4 hours and suddenly woke up and ran outside and fall down cause my pants were down . thats my story
K
Ahhhhh i spend like half an hour watching soccer or listening to music you’re not alone hahaha
John
Hi wife does this. It really stresses me out!
We have the same conversation you guys have. She says it’s not my business, that she’s just relaxing, reading a book, and needs a break from the kids or whatnot…
I get that!, but I don’t get the location at all! We have a bed, we have a couch, we have a lawn, we have lounge chairs, There’s a park 100 yards down the road, there’s a dozen places for “me time”, so why choose the human waste receptacle as the place to unwind?
Brittania
I do this all the time. the toilet is really comfortable. and I am a girl so I guess it isn’t a girl thing