How can I help my little girl?
I’m sad.
My little girl is sad and I’m at a loss as to what to do. It’s because of us and our upcoming #yTravelOz road trip.
She’s been excited about it for a long time and we’ve worked hard to keep that up for her, sharing our plans and talking about how great life will be on the road.
But, now it has hit her what leaving means, saying goodbye to her friends and family. She does her best to stop her bottom lip from quivering and the tears from falling. It’s breaking my heart.
I hold her close and tell her it’s okay to feel sad and to cry it out. I tell her I don’t know what else to say. I share with her all the positives of going away and why Mummy and Daddy are doing it. We talk of how exciting it will be to be together all the time, the grand adventures we’ll go on, and now Mummy gets to be her teacher. And how great it will be when Nan and Pop come to visit.
I share how I understand how hard it is to leave those you love and how it hurts your heart. Mummy has done it over and over again.
“But, you know Mummy’s friend Bec? Well she’s my oldest friend and I’ve left her many times to travel, but she’s still my friend. You can never lose a good friend, and there’s so much space in your heart to make many more.”
I try to explain why we are leaving to travel around Australia. But, how do you say because if we don’t go soon, Mummy’s spirit will break. Does it mean that I’ll break hers in the process of trying to fix mine?
I can only hold onto what I know and what those who have done this before have shared with me.
“It’s truly the best thing we’ve ever done.”
I think I know what the best thing is and I see the bright future and then my baby’s eyes well and I realize I don’t know anything.
I can only clasp my hands together and pray I’m not a spirit breaker.
She will be okay, won't she?
Comments
Caroline
Saying goodbye was the worst thing about leaving the UK. The build up to those moments with each friend or family member was excrutiating for all of us. I kept reminding the boys about skype and face time and I think that helped.
You are doing all the right things and one day she will thank you xxx
Caz Makepeace
Thank you Caroline. With one week to go I am definitely feeling the pain of leaving. I just want to get in the car and go without having to go through the trauma of goodbyes. Sometimes it can just be a bit too much.
Claire T
It is tough. We live in Singapore and my family are all in New Zealand and my husband’s family are in Japan. Leaving after trips “home” is getting harder for Miss Three. I would echo FaceTime and Skype as huge assets especially for child to child chats. I suspect that once you set off the novelty and excitement will make things easier. Good luck.
Caz Makepeace
I think so! We used Skype a lot when we lived in the States. Kalyra was too young to remember, but it really helped our families a lot to see her growing. At least on this trip, we’re in the country so the family can easily come visit us or vice versa
Naomi
We are all becoming experts at saying goodbye and what makes me the saddest? The more we do it, the less intentional it becomes. Expats are always very flippant about goodbyes (or so it feels) because to give anymore energy to it is zapping.
I say (about our children) who in the last 10 years, have moved six times, that they will never need to spend any time on the couch of a psychologist … and I believe that to be true. Doesn’t mean their little hearts don’t break.
We talk a lot, we cry a lot, we read books a lot (just published : http://naomihattaway.com/2013/09/expat-must-have-books-for-children/) and we promise that we love them over and over.
And yes, sometimes we break the hearts of our children so that mama’s can be healed in the process. We are going through decisions that echo this exact sentiment.
Caz Makepeace
Thank you Naomi, beautiful thoughts and I love how you said you believe in the stability and strength the moving and travel gives to your children. I agree. I can be very flippant about goodbyes, purely so I don’t have to focus on the pain they cause. We’re only a week away from leaving and I can already feel myself building the wall.
Nikki @ Styling You
Oh Caz, I feel you … with our move at the end of the year, Flynn talks daily about not wanting to leave his friends and school. I know he will be ok but his feelings are real. x
Caz Makepeace
Big changes ahead for you too! It’s scary times, but exciting as well.
edenland
Oh Caz. Her feelings are real and valid …. but so are yours. You know much more than she does about how the trip will end up feeling like and being like. She’s most likely scared of the unknown …. but you’ll all hit the road and get into a routine. And she will LOVE it. She will. Kids are so resilient. (I left school halfway through kindy to move to FIJI! Bloody loved it.)
xxxx
Caz Makepeace
Thank you Eden! Fiji would have been awesome to live in!! I think we just have to keep our parent eyes focused on what we know is best for our kids and acknowledge their feelings and give them lots of cuddles. Hope you are well xxx
Chelsea
Can she have a project while you’re away? Maybe her own cheap digital camera and her own little blog where she can (with help) write updates so she can keep in contact with her friends & family her way? Maybe talk to some of the parents and see if they are happy to share their email address and she can write people letters, send them postcards & trinkets.
I know this doesn’t help with her sadness much but maybe if she can start thinking about her “blog” and stuff it might be a good distraction?
hippokathy
This is a fantastic idea!
Caz Makepeace
Yes! She has got her own little blog up and a camera. We’ll be doing more stuff with it when we get on the road. I think she’ll love that. She’s planning to email her class as we move around. Thanks for the suggestions Chelsea, I love them.
Kathy
Caz, feeling for you, especially being crazy busy and having to handle Kalyra’s angst. I’m sure it won’t take long, and you are still going to be in Australia, so there will be catch-ups. Our daughter wasn’t much older (she was 7) when we went half way round the world to Canada and we are so proud of how resilient she was. Chin up.
Caz Makepeace
Thanks Kathy. It feels a little better after this weekend, but we’ll see how this week goes when we have to start saying more goodbyes.
Yibba Yabba Mama
Of course she is fine, and so will you! Kids are so much more resilient than we think….in a few weeks she will love it and won’t ever want to go back! When we were moving, Lily burst into tears, apparently we were about to ruin her life! In her five years of life, she had made a life plan ahead of her and we had now wrecked everything! Certainly devastating to hear, but once we arrived, unpacked and started our new life…we were all happy! So happy we never want to leave!
Perhaps hug her, tell her you are sad too so you can share the emotion and tell her you are glad she is coming on the journey with you. All will be well. Good luck!
Caz Makepeace
Thanks Val! Lily is so funny. You all seem so happy out there in the country with emus chasing you down the street. Adventures can be found anywhere
Vanessa
We moved around a lot when I was young – I went to 4 primary schools. Overall, I went to 6 schools in 12 years.
I found an old school report that mentioned I’d had trouble setting in when we moved to the UK. I had just finished grade 3 in Australia.
You know what? I have no memory of having trouble settling in.
The life you are creating for her is worth the sacrifice. Tell her about all the new friends she will get to make! The beautiful things she will see and learn. Remind her of the positives. Maybe get a little white/cork/felt board and get her to write/stick on the things that she’s looking forward to, so she has a positive visual around her whenever she’s sad.
Kylah
I love the idea of a vision board for this! So simple and effective. I’m going to try to remember it for my kids when they are older – as well as pulling my finger out to do one for myself again! 😉
Caz Makepeace
Oh I love that idea Vanessa! Thank you so much for that. We’ll put that into practice.
Sarah
It is so tough. We live on Maui. Moved here from southern California seven years ago, all on our own. Every time family comes to visit and then has to leave ,or we go to the mainland and then have to return home, I feel that tug and say, “We are doing the right thing. Right?” We love Maui, it is home. But then when we have to say goodbye to family after jovial visits, it’s so so tough and I feel rotten for not having my children grow up with their grandparents and cousins. Don’t even get me started when I start to think, like really really think, about how short life is.
But fear not… She will be fine. And she will thank you for such adventures and when she reunites with old friends and family, it will be so wonderful.
Caz Makepeace
It’s hard thinking about them not being around grandparents and cousins, but I grew up without having many cousins around and my grandparents died when I was quite young, and I don’t think it has negatively influenced me. I think the benefits are way more. Maui sounds amazing!! I am so keen to visit one day.
Sarah
You definitely need to visit Maui!
We see the cousins about once a year and thankfully it’s like no time has passed. I think it makes our time together so much more special. We eat them up!
Linda - Mums on the Go
Oh Caz – wish I could give you a big hug right now. Without her knowing it you are teaching her the importance of honouring your spirit in life. You will ALL be OK but her emotions right now are real and valid. Let her share, share back and take this amazing journey together. I wrote this guest post for Easy Peasy Kids a while back: http://www.easypeasykids.com.au/4879/child-behaviour/little-people-have-big-feelings/ prompted by the emotions of my eldest when we relocated back to Sydney … your post today made me think of it so I hope something in there resonates for you. Hugs.
Caz Makepeace
Thank you for this Linda. I appreciate it. I hope you are having a wonderful time in Borneo at the moment and your mountain climbing expedition goes well. Cant’ wait to hear about it
Beth
I moved cities and countries twice before the age of ten (Syd-Van, Van-Bne) and it’s been one of the best things in my life. Luckily your girls are coming back after a while but I can completely relate to having to say goodbye to friends, especially at such a young age. It sucks. But now that I’m older, I still keep in touch with my friends from Sydney and Vancouver (thanks Facebook) and I see them whenever I can. We’re still great friends, that will never change.
At the time, I thought it was the worst thing (many tears were shed) and I absolutely hated my parents for making me do it. But I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it weren’t for those two moments. I had to learn to adapt to new situations, I started school in a completely new country with a different curriculum and then came back to Aus for year five and had to entirely re-learn basic things that I missed out on (Canadian history/geography vs Australian history/geography is very different).
I’ve had many opportunities that my friends haven’t and I’m grateful for it. I’ve learnt a lot and looking back now, I’m so glad my parents did that for us (note: *for* us, not *to* us).
Bottom line, your girls will be fine. They might “hate” you for a bit but in the end, it’ll be okay.
Caz Makepeace
Thank your for sharing Beth. I loved this response and to see how you can look back at how much it helped rather than hurt you. I feel much better.
Donna
Children can only see from their limited perspective and you are looking at the greater good from an adult perspective. She will be fine and good for you in giving her so many cultural and world life experiences. She will be such a well rounded person with an appreciation for many different ways of life when she is an adult.
Caz Makepeace
Very true Donna I didn’t think of it like that. Adults do have the broader perspective. I think she’ll embrace it once we get on the road
Kylah
Of course she will be ok. Every experience builds and shapes a person. I find it hard to believe travelling could break anyones spirit. She will learn some amazing lessons about being grateful for what you have (when you have it) and that like you say strong friendships do not fail simply because of distance.
I’m sure it is tough for you, but you are doing all the right things! Talking with her and including her in the planning rather than telling this is what is about to happen, whether she likes it or not. Perhaps offer her an option to go home if she is not happy after the first 6wks (or whatever). That way she might feel more confident about giving the change a go knowing she can change her mind 🙂
Caz Makepeace
Great advice Kylah. School finished on Friday and the class threw her a leaving party. She’s been feeling a little better since then and seems a bit more excited.
bigwords
what a sweetheart your girl is. She will have an amazing adventure and meet so many new friends along the way. Perhaps you could arrange for some of her friends to send postcards along the way? and her to them. It’ll be a wonderful time. xx
Caz Makepeace
Yes. I love this idea. WE are going to make it part of the adventure. Thank you
Nicole
Give her a notebook to collect her friends addresses/emails.
Once a month make a conscious effort to send each friend (or at least the important ones + Grandparents!) an update via. snail mail or email.
I’m guessing not many of the kids would receive letters so it would be a special treat for them and expose them to a world of snail mail.
Maybe even ask her class teacher if she can do this as well? It could be a learning experience for them as well as following a good friend on her adventures!
Caz Makepeace
Great tips Nicole! We got her teacher’s email so she can write monthly updates. She promised Great Nan today she’d send postcards, so she’s feeling a little better
Claire
Hey!
I moved a lot as a kid, and the final time we made yet another move abroad it took me a while to stop being angry at my parents (teenage angst didn’t help). But now, aged 30, I can honestly say they did the best thing for me. I am more confident, I know how to interact with different people and cultures, I can cope with being far away from home to fulfill my dreams.
I know that you carry people in your heart. My best friend from when I was small? We kept in touch (our mother’s used to make audio tape letters), and she is still one of my dearest pals.
Claire
I mean mothers! Typo!
Caz Makepeace
Thank you for your comment Claire! It’s given me a little boost
Bronnie
I feel for you – and her. Each time we’ve moved, my kids’ hearts break. They miss their schools and friends, teachers, homes, surroundings. Even friendly shopkeepers. It’s tough. But you know what? It’s exciting too. Kids are resilient, much more than we are. They move on fast. They embrace adventure. They make friends everywhere. They learn quickly. You will be giving her an unbelievable gift and I bet she will love it – you all will! There will be challenges along the way, but life is like that, wherever you are. And yes, skype and phone calls are a wonderful thing. My kids are still in touch and friends with their besties from home, and in fact, will be seeing them tomorrow, on the first day of the school holidays. If you make the effort, and they do, they can stay friends with their best friends.
Caz Makepeace
I agree kids are super resilient. She’s feeling a lot better this weekend and seems a lot happier. Thank you
Alyson
My boys actually left Port Douglas without a backward glance. Now, after 4 months of nomadic travel, we get the odd ” I miss..whoever”. They had a bad day this week, they made a good friend here on Ko Phangan, he left after a couple of days, leaving a boy-shaped hole. That reminded them of friends back home. They’re back to normal again now. But I do wonder. We are certainly all happier and more relaxed, they spend more time with their Dad ( relative to almost zero time, that’s easy) and they’ll get the chance to see their much missed UK family at Christmas. It’s swings and roundabouts, you can’t ever get everything right.
Caz Makepeace
I think you just have to roll with the ups and downs, I guess. I focus on the fact that sometimes she deals with meanness at school and arguments that can pop up in long-term friendships, so at least she won’t have to deal with that… I hope 🙂
BakoymaTravels
Children live in the now a lot more than us grownups (usually) do. It’s a great thing. But it has it’s downsides also. It means they see things as they are now and need to learn to see the bigger picture gradually. I have no doubts your daughter will be so much more than just fine, Caz, because, while I don’t know you personally, you seem like really devoted parents and I believe that if you and Craig at any time see that this way of life is breaking the spirit(s) of your daughter(s), then you will change your plans to fix it.
I don’t really think that will happen though. As an avid traveller I can relate to the pain of saying goodbye, but the rewards far outweigh that cost. And given the times we’re living in, keeping in touch with loved ones is so much easier.
You’re all going to do great 🙂
Caz Makepeace
Beautiful advice Annie, Thank you!
leila ferrara
if will help you,i just want to say one thing:the only thing that will stay in her heart forever are the times spend together with mom and dad,keep focus on that,my God bless you in all your way
Caz Makepeace
I think so Leila. I think happy times with parents can help so much for them later in life
R.
Happened to me over and over again as a kid, and even though my parents where really soothing and told me I’d have experiences no other kids have, and that I’d make new friends, I would still cry in bed for weeks at night.
I’m a traveller nowadays, and am thankful for the childhood I had, it’s opened so many opportunities and I have friends all over the world!
Not sure if there’s anything else you can do other than talking to her about it.
Caz Makepeace
I’m so happy you can look back with gratitude and see how it helped you now. I think it’s a good lesson as a parent to know you can’t always heal their hearts, you can just be there for them as they learn how to cope.
Bethany
I was 9 when my parents moved us 2000 miles to Portland, OR. I remember being very sad to leave my grandparents, my cousins, all my friends, everyone I knew back home. I could tell that me being upset made my parents sad, but looking back, I wouldn’t have changed anything. That week we spent road-tripping through the west, getting to see the Grand Canyon, the Redwoods, and Craterlake, that was one of the best weeks of my life and fondest memories I have. As a 9 year old, leaving everything I knew was sad and in part, a bit scary. But the time I got to spend with my family and see new things was such an exciting time that my only memories of leaving Texas are happy ones. I think your baby girl will look back on this year and won’t remember sad goodbyes, but rather a grand adventure with a loving family, that made her the luckiest girl in the world.
Caz Makepeace
Thank you Bethany, that makes me so happy to hear. Your adventure sounded awesome btw. I’m sure we’ll create some amazing memories together
Kelly Carpenter
Big love to you caz , xxx kalyra will be ok thus is part of life and at her age she is realising and recogniseing her feelings, and it is ok to be sad and angry or whatever she is feeling, you are doing the right thing for you and Craig and the girls!!!!! :-):-):-)
Caz Makepeace
Thank you lovely! It was so great to spend time with you last night xx