When I was pregnant with Kalyra I was adamant that there was no way I wanted to find out the gender of the baby. I wanted a surprise, after all that work I deserved something special at the end right?

And I did receive something special, a delightfully precious baby girl.

But, did not knowing this make her any less special or less of a surprise? Not at all. Everything about her was a surprise.

When I think back on the birth of Kalyra, not knowing what she was is something that does not stick in my mind as the ultimate event or surprise. I would have loved that little screaming face just as much if I knew she was going to be a girl.

All of this thinking has come about because on Friday I am going for my 19 week scan. The scan where you can find out the gender of the baby.

The time when I can ask the sonographer, “Am I having a boy or a girl?”

Craig and I have spoken at length as to whether we should ask this question or wait for the end surprise.

I don’t think finding out is going to make the actual birth event any less special. Nevertheless, I had to think about all the reasons why I should find out whehter I am carrying a boy or a girl. In reality there were a stack of reasons why I should find out the gender of my baby verse the only reason why I shouldn’t–for a surprise.

Maybe finding out the gender of your baby is not natural. But is it not natural? I mean the technology in my lifetime makes it a natural part of pregnancy and childbirth. Years ago, they didn’t have it, but times have evolved and I love evolution. Life has to be about how it is now, not how it once was.

In a post last week I spoke of my transitional hell. Life for Craig and I is very up in the air at the moment, and has been for the last six months. We moved back to Australia not wanting to and hoping it would just be a temporary stay before we moved on to the new chapter. We are a little stuck right now and do not know where our future is moving to.

Life is one big ball of uncertainty–homes, jobs, business, opportunities- nothing is set in concrete. The thought of having one more uncertain monumental event in my life is just too much of a weight for me to bear. Mentally, I just can’t do it. I need to know something definite in my life. I need to have something I can fully prepare for. There are no surprises that could give me more peace and joy than that right now.

And so we are going to find out.

With this means we can either get rid of all of Kalyra’s clothes and girly things, as you know I hate clutter and hoarding and there is no way I am having a third child.

Or I can start getting my boy things ready. I have many friends who are offering lots of boy things. On Friday I can either say yes please, or thanks anyway!

It also means that I can avoid that slight disappointment I am afraid I might feel if when the baby was born and it was a girl. I would absolutely love another girl, but I would also love to have a boy. And I don’t want to have even a pinch of disappointed energy when I first see my baby’s face.

Knowing if I am having a boy or a girl will also help me bond with my baby over the remaining 20 weeks of my pregnancy.

I’m excited to find out on Friday.