The Ache of Leaving my Baby Behind
The purple and gold insignia of the orchid appears as I round the corner on the boarding gangplank. It’s a symbol that would usually result in uncontainable excitement coursing through my veins.
The hostess, hands pressed together, bows to greet me.
“Sawadee Ka”
I wai back.
A first class passenger sits talking on her phone, “Alay na?”
Words so familiar to me and instantly brings back memories of my confused students asking me the same. “What?”
There is a small spark of happiness deep within at the thought of returning to my spiritual home, but it is deadened by the home I have left behind.
I miss her
She lay on her tummy when I left, the same position she had rolled onto 10 hours before when she drifted off to sleep.
So peaceful.
It took all my strength not to wake her and squeeze her with all my life, plus that of the seven days I would be away from her.
The sparrows weren’t even awake yet, and I softly kissed her forehead, so restrained by my mother’s love to not disturb her.
Kalyra stumbled out, rubbing her eyes, squinting through the glare of the fluorescent light. We held each other. I promised to return with her list of chocolates, swimmers, a dress, skirt, shorts and shirt.
Anything to make her feel better about me leaving.
Anything to make me feel better about me leaving.
There is an empty hole within me that can only be filled by the presence of my family.
I ache for them already and I’ve only just strapped myself in for the 10 hour flight that will take me away from them.
At least Kalyra and Craig know where I am going and when I’ll return.
Baby Savannah has no idea, even though I told her all about it and reassured her that I was coming back.
To her, one day I am there and the next I am not, and the next and the next.
How long before she thinks I have abandoned her?
Her Mummy, her life force, the one she should always depend upon.
I comfort myself at least that she’s learning there are many in her life she can rely on.
At least she is learning that she can rely on herself.
At least she’ll learn that I come back.
None of these thoughts really make a different to the fact that I ache for her that I feel like the worst mother in the world.
I have to focus on where this will eventually lead.
One week away from her may lead to opportunities that have me with her always. I know that the eventual reward is worth the sacrifice.
But will she?
How will she understand it?
Will she grow up with this distrust that she can’t explain? A fear that her mother will desert her?
I almost want to shout out
“Stop the plane, I have to get off and go home to my baby!”
Comments
Veronica @ Mixed Gems
I must be in an emotional place right now because I burst into tears at you yelling for the plane to stop. My girls are both in childcare today so I am on my own. But even when we are physically alone, the invisible heart strings hold really strong and tight. xx
Caz
Oh no!! Things can just strike us in the heart sometimes. It is so difficult to leave them. Just think of all the fun they are having in childcare learning and making new friends.
Lisa Wood
Oh gosh you have such courage, and are so amazing to realise that your goals are your reason why.
I can never leave my little ones (due to b/feeding) and have panic attacks when I now leave them to go anywhere. Last year I went to Melbourne twice without my family – and the fear that grips me each time is damn stupid but its what it is!
Keep strong- the end result is near.
Thanking you for sharing your gorgeous family xxx
Caz
I understand that fear. It is so stupid but at the same time mothing that you can ever overcome. Just a mother’s love. It was so wonderful to return to her and she was really happy so I think she is all good!
Hayley
Veronica@mixed Gems me too – a mothers response I think!
Good luck with your endeavours Caz I’m sure it will all be worth it as you say. I work from home and it’s always a juggling act between developing the business so that you can stay with the kids and spending that all-important time with them while they’re little!
Caz
It’s such a juggle Hayley!
I watched a good movie about it on the plane called “I don’t know how she does it” Sarah Jessica PArker is a mum and business woman trying to do it all. It’s not easy
Jo (Dexterous Diva)
Hey lovely, I SO know that feeling. I went to NYC without my babies and felt it, and every time I go to London for work I feel that wrench of the double life. I really want to see I dont know how she does it too. An i dont know how we do it, but we do xxx
Caz
We just find a way to make it work don’t we?
The wrench of a double life- I like that, explains it perfectly.
Hope things are going well with you Jo!