Kidspot Ford Territory Top 50: Feel the difference
There are multiple times during the day when I want to quit blogging.
I open my RSS reader, click on another twit link or Facebook share to read a post from another blogger like the hilarious Mrs Woogs, the raw and honest Edenland, and talented travel writers like Bret from Green Global Travel, Wandering Earl, and Abigail King.
While their posts enlighten, entertain and inspire me, part of me begins to crumble inside. I wish with all my heart and soul that I could weave a story so naturally and engaging.
More often than not, I close my computer lid and walk away.
As I get down the hallway that leads to my sulking place, the little voice returns — the empowered voice, the voice of reason and truth.
“You don’t have to write like them Caroline, because you are not them. You are different.”
I battle back with words of doubt and insecurity, but the voice has learned to be stronger.
“All you have to do is Be Yourself.”
I’ll never be funny like Mrs Woogs, I’ll never be able to express my thoughts like Eden, or craft a tale like so many of my travel writing friends, but deep within me there is something worthwhile that only I have to share.
What sets me apart from other bloggers is that I am simply me.
That is all I can ever be. Blogging that has taught me that this is okay, and that I, that shitty self that I’ve always despised looking at in the mirror, can actually make a difference.
I think this is all anyone really wants. To know that there life has somehow been worth it.
My Biggest Fear
“You’re frightened that you are going to be another mug left on the shelf,” the Romanian gypsy peered deeply into my palm. We were sitting in the cramped space of her caravan near the Brighton Beach pier.
Source: 3.bp.blogspot.com via Sasha on Pinterest
I thought she was talking about relationships. I was in the middle of a disastrous one so was kinda happy to be a mug rescued on the shelf.
I soon forgot about her reading until ten years later at a friend’s Christmas party in 2009. After a couple of strong Pomegranate Cosmopolitans, I blurted out to Craig the fear that had been niggling at me for weeks.
“Look at my life. I’ve lost everything and I have nothing to show for the past 10 years. What was it all for anyway? Why did I have all those travel experiences and learn those lessons if nothing has come from them? I’m worried that I am just going to be another mug left on the shelf.”
I was instantly transported back into the smoky caravan and clarity, stronger than the smell of the gypsy’s burning incense, hit me.
What if I go through my life never being who I was born to be? What if at the end of it all, I look and see that my life has been one where I hid in the shadows, allowing it to pass me by?
I’d travelled all over the world, and here I was stuck in a life that I was deeply depressed about. My life, once so full, had become so meaningless.
I saw the gypsy’s eyes rolling, gazing at a world beyond my palm. She softly chuckled and patted my leg,
“Don’t worry, you won’t be.”
The details of what she saw in my hand will never be known to me, but the promise of me getting off that shelf and doing something worthwhile was reflected in her eyes.
Saying YES
Source: tinyurl.com via Effie on Pinterest
Over the next cocktail, I promised myself and the Universe that I was not going to be that mug. I would no longer hide myself away, that I wouldn’t let all those years be for nothing. I would do whatever I could to bring to life what she saw in my hand.
I had no idea what I was going to do, and I was terrified, but I said YES.
I kept saying yes every time another doubt appeared and a task arrived that I felt too scared or insecure to tackle.
“You said YES Caroline. You have no choice but to do it.”
A succession of yeses led me to blogging. In my mind I was a crappy writer and didn’t believe that anyone would ever read my work, but that didn’t matter because I said yes.
I shared my stories, I shared my lessons, I learned and improved and somewhere along the way, I became me.
Each time I wanted to hit delete, called myself names, or wanted to hide under a chair in the fear that those reading my work would discover the idiotic self that I was, that voice shouted,
“You said YES Caroline.”
The succession of yesses helped me to find peace with who I was, to forgive myself, to appreciate myself, to find my special place in the world.
Because I care a lot
The yesses have now given me the life I always desired: travelling and sharing the world with others.
“Unless someone like you…cares a whole awful lot…nothing is going to get better…It’s not.” Once-ler from The Lorax
The world was something that I fell in love with. From the terraced rice fields of China, to the African Savannah, to the jagged Rocky Mountain peaks, and the sun rising over volcanoes, I couldn’t get enough of her beauty.
Sunrise over Mt Bromo
Masai warriors guarded me while I slept at night, Cambodian women cleared spaces for me in the back of their Utes so I would be comfortable on long journeys, my Thai students carried my books around the school, and I shared homes with people from all around the world.
I discovered how connected we all really are and how more alike we are than different.
I grew to understand myself more and most importantly the magic that exists in our world. Some may call it God, I call it the power that lives in all of us.
Blogging became a place where I could share what I learned and hopefully make the world a better place.
Call me naive, but I thought that maybe with this one small space I have online, I could make a difference.
And now here I am
I still struggle every day. I still compare and feel less than, but those yesses keep me going. I know that I have a special role in this world to fill. Nobody else can do what I came here to do; the fact that I am breathing demonstrates my role is important.
I blog every day, on two blogs, because I believe life is about sharing and helping others. It’s about being kind, and supportive and encouraging.
It’s about letting others know that you feel the same things they do. Nobody is ever really alone, even though we so often feel it.
It’s so I can help others learn how to say YES. To not let their lives be one based on fear, negativity, and emptiness, because its far more valuable and beautiful than that.
It’s about being your own light so that you may give others permission to be the same.
Every day when I compare myself to others, I try to remember that instead of being afraid, I should see that their light shining so brightly is giving me permission to shine my own. I don’t have to be like them, or as talented, funny, or witty,
I just have to be me.
That is the best way that I can make a difference and the only way that I won’t be that mug upon the shelf.
———
This post is my entry in the Kidspot Top 50 Bloggers Competition. You can vote if you feel I deserve a vote, or if you feel someone else does then go ahead and vote for them. You will be entered into a draw to win $5,000 and I really hope you do.
Comments
Melvin
The writers you mention at the beginning are really great, but I just love the way you write and share your own experiences!
It is all about the personal stuff and being yourself. Keep it going like that! I love your blogs! They are very informative for travelers!
Caz
Thank you Melvin. We appreciate you and getting to know you in the online world. We’ll have to make it an offline thing over a beer soon!
Sabrina
I needed to read this today – not so much for blogging, but after spending some time at home after travelling, I’ve felt really stuck. I worry about being “another mug left on the shelf” sometimes, even though I know I’m going to head back out there.
It’s good to remember that being me is all I need. Really enjoyed the post and it’s my first time visiting. I’ll have to go back through the archives (there goes the morning!).
Caz
Ha ha. I hope it was a morning well spent Sabrina!
I know so so well what that stuck feeling is like, especially after coming home from travel. When we first came home in 06 after being away for five years, we just crumbled and had a melt down. We had no idea what we were going through, but it was so so tough. It caused us to make stupid stupid decisions which took us down a disastrous road. I really want people to be aware of reverse culture shock, because I know how serious it can be and no one ever tells you about it. I wish we knew about it in 06.
I’ve written a couple of posts on it
http://www.ytravelblog.com/dealing-with-reverse-culture-shock/
http://www.ytravelblog.com/re-embracing-my-own-culture/
Let me know if you ever need help or someone to talk to. Hang out with other travellers as they understand what you are going through.
D.J. - The World of Deej
Awesome post…glad you’ve kept saying yes! I too battle with the comparisons, and I’m not sure I’ve ever written a post I truly liked. But I keep on, because in spite of that, I really do love it.
Caz
IT takes a lot of courage to keep going even though you think your writing sucks. Sometimes, well a lot of the time, I think I’m mad, but as you say if you love it, you keep doing it.
Blogging sometimes feels like I put myself in a bubble, but its a nice bubble because everyday I’m surrounded by like minded people and a culture and attitude that I love.
jan
Your blogs are you and that is why I like them. They are real. (I tried voting but when I clicked on the blue icon it went to page not found).
Caz
Sorry about the voting button Jan. Silly me. It’s all fixed now. Thank you so much for your support!
Ali
One of the things I love best about you is that you’re just yourself, not trying to be some cartoon character of yourself. A lot of what you said here is how I feel most of the time, a big part of why I emailed you last week. I’m going to keep this post in mind when I’m trying to push myself to continue on.
Caz
Thank you Ali. I think I’ve learned being yourself is the only way to go. It can be so hard because you feel so vulnerable but at the same time its easy because you don’t have to pretend or live up to anything. IT takes time figuring it out but just know that it is okay to be you, that’s what makes you so special!
Thank you for taking the time to comment on your honeymoon. How is it going? Do you know Brooke from Brooke vs the World? She is in Turkey right now as well and will be going to TBU. She’s an awesome girl and so is her boyfriend Pat.
sara
You are making a difference. This post really helped me today, I’ve been feeling quite a bit like a mug on a shelf myself lately. Thank you for your words of wisdom.
Caz
My pleasure Sara. It’s horrible thinking your the mug on the shelf, but you can easily get off it. Just be yourself.
Laurence
The vote button went to a 404 – will come back and try again soon!
Laurence
Here’s the voting page for those stuck 🙂
http://www.kidspot.com.au/Top50blogger/survey.asp?choose=mojito-mother
Caz
Thank you Laurence!! I’ve fixed up the link in the button and I learned something new today about coding. It kept changing the URL back to the attachment URL, which is why I didn’t realize it wasn’t working (mental note to self- always check links!) AFter about 5 frustrating tries I noticed a code sitting there that was responsible. Aha!! Here’s to coding lessons!!
Bret @ Green Global Travel
Great story, Caz!
One thing you should understand is that I (and, I’m guessing, the other writers you mention) am still plagued by self-doubt, frustration and writer’s block on a regular basis even now, 19 years into my career. Some might argue that it’s an essential aspect of the writer’s process, because we are CONSTANTLY mining the depths of our thoughts, hearts and souls to dig out the interesting bits that make our stories worth reading.
The self-confidence gets better with time, but what it really is about is learning to let go of the desire to be perfect, to stop measuring our accomplishments or abilities against those we perceive in others, and to trust that our best is not only good enough, but it’s GREAT.
I don’t know if you’ve ever considered taking an improv comedy class, but if not I would highly recommend it. Improv is awesome at getting you out of your head, stopping the tendency to judge your own work, and to have fun with the flow of creativity. It changed my life and made me a better writer!
Caz
It definitely is the whole trust thing and letting go isn’t it? My little pep talks go on all day long! I always wonder if the time will come when I’ll just feel good abotu it, just like I wonder if the time will come when I’ll never feel nervous getting on a plane. It is helpful to know that even those really experienced writers go through the same. It really is a constant digging isn’t it? Sometimes I feel like there’s nothing else in there, I guesss that means we have to dig a little deeper
I can really see how the improv class would help you do this and get out of your comfort zone. I could not imagine me being funny though. Actually the thought of it makes me laugh and does make me feel good.
Bret @ Green Global Travel
The first lesson i EVER learned in improv– my very first class– is that failure is funny, so don’t worry about being funny. I honestly believe, deep down in my heart, that it’s only when we stop becoming obsessed with making our will become reality that the Universe actually allows us to naturally flow into that reality. If you ever want to try an improv class, just for funsies, let me know. I have connections in Aussie improv…
Caz
Love that! Been definitely learning that this year
Laney @ Crash Test Mummy
Like you Caz I’ve also had moments when I wondered if all the travel and money spent was worth it when I seemed to have nothing to show for it. No assets, no house etc etc. But all that experience makes you who you are, and you are what makes your blog. You’ve got a lot to show for it.
Caz
I always have to stop and remember all that travel has taught me. I often think of where I could be now if I never travelled and it looks great but very empty.
Craig and I did have some assets and a house as well, but we lost it all. Stupid decisions made while we were going through a “lost” stage. I still can’t really bring myself to talk about it. Don’t think I’ve completely forgiven myself for it yet, or I think ignoring it might mean it didn’t really happen!! 🙂
But, I do have so much more which is where the focus should always be! Thanks for always being so amazing Laney!
Lani Voivod
Bravo, Caz. Your courage – and ability – to blog every day (on two blogs!) with two young girls nipping at your ankles and a world to experience and conquer is nothing short of extraordinary. Your perspectives, openness, and commitment to *YES* are greatly, wondrously appreciated. THANK YOU. Good luck!
Caz
Thanks Lani! today I thought I was really crazy with all the work piling up around me. Lucky I have Craig who works with me and two girls who are pretty easy going. I’ve said yes that much now that I’ve forgotten how to say no- which can be bad 🙂
Chantelle {fat mum slim}
I love the way you write. It’s like you’re talking to me, plain and simple. x
Caz
Thank you Chantelle! I appreciate it
Gillian @OneGiantStep
I’ve come to realize that most (and probably all) of us bloggers are plagued by this self doubt. I battle it too (and am in a bit of a trough right now actually) but try to pull through by not comparing myself too much to others. It’s all worth it…we just have to believe!
Caz
It all comes down to belief Gillian. That’s the only thing that will ever take us out of the game. I have gotten so much better at controlling those self doubts but they are still there. I wonder if we can ever get rid of them. I guess when you put yourself out there so much, like we do in the blogging world, it becomes even harder.
Antoinette B.
Caz, I literally had tears in my eyes after reading your post. Every insecurity you described about blogging was everything I felt an hour ago. I started asking myself why I was even blogging anyway. English isn’t even my first language and I have always struggled with writing, esp in school. But the urge to share my travel stories and everyday life experiences is so strong that I almost don’t care; that is until I worry for hours and days on end after writing a post. I was so scared and insecure that I had a blog for 2 years and kept it to myself until most recently within the past 6-7months. Stupid, I know but quite a stellar example of allowing fear to hold me back. So hang in there Caz, we all feel it, believe it or not. Your blog posts have always been so heartfelt and that’s why a lot of people can def connect with you, not jus with travel stories but on a personal level as well. You make an audience feel like you are a great friend who will always be there :o) I am def voting! Keep it up!
Caz
Thank you so much Antoinette! I now have the tears in my eyes. It makes me so happy to know that I can let others understand that someone understands, and as you say, is here as a friend. We’re all in this thing called life together- why not reach out and help one another. We’ve been taught for so long to be scared of our own light and to live in the shadows that it is so terrifying when we decide that the better way is to be the best we can be. the more you do this though the easier it becomes and the more liberated you feel. Each post you write you’ll realize that people still accept you and you start to feel more comfortable in your skin. The demons really are only in our minds.
What a great job you are doing, especially for someone who has English as a second language- to me that is amazing.
Johanna
Such an honest and heartwarming post, thanks Caz. I think you manage to say the things so many of us feel but can’t put into words. Keep being you 🙂
(Have voted *thanks Laurence for the link that went straight to voting* Good Luck Caz!).
Caz
Thank you Johanna. I so appreciate your support. I love that I can help others to know they are not alone, because life can suck sometimes when it makes you feel bad. I think we should be taught more from a younger age that it is normal to go through these things but it doesn’t have to stop you from moving forward and being the best you can
Tara
I love your entry and have just voted for you ! I’m wondering if I have read this on a day of heightened self doubt regarding my own blogging ability, or if I just question myself 1000 times a day. Regardless, you are preaching to the choir. Thank you for putting this common (but not often discussed) experience into words.
Caz
I think it could be a bit of both Tara. One of the biggest reasons I started blogging and want to continue doing so is I really believe in how much we are all the same. I know that what I feel everyone else does, so I want to help people to know that they are not alone, and these feelings we experience and thoughts we have are really quite normal-even though we are taught to think that they are not. I read posts from other bloggers all the time that seem to come to me at the right time, I always end up feeling so relieved that it’s not just me/ Others are feeling the same as well. ITs so comforting.
Thank you Tara
Tara Cannon
Oh yes, and I just read one of your other posts. How nice to see the f*bomb in print. So refreshingly honest.
Caz
Sometimes the f bomb is needed!
Ian [EagerExistence]
You said “ute”. Bloody Australianisms. For everyone else, its a Utility/Truck.
Oh, and there’s nothing at all wrong with your writing, I am jealous of some of your posts just as your are jealous of others 😉
Caz
Ha Ha Always the Ute! Thank you Ian- it’s amazing how we all feel the same things in some way or another
Madam Bipolar (@SawHole)
You are a wonderful writer, a beautiful storyteller and a lovely person.
Caz
Oh thank you Lisa. It’s been lovely meeting you online and in person.
Jo (Dexterous Diva)
Caz I am amazed you have those doubts but so pleased you share with us all your inner demons that we all have. Your blog is amazing, YOU are amazing – what an inspiring Mumma you are. I totally voted for you, and you are a mug on an amazing journey, no shelves involved darling. xx
Caz
Ah thank you Jo! It’s been so great meeting you online and on skype!