I’m not afraid to look at the bank balance anymore
Your fingers cover your eyes, leaving only a small crack for you to peer through.
Somehow you think this is going to make it easier and dull the pain a little… as if the fingers blocking the light won’t make it glaringly obvious that you are dead broke.
They also prevent you from seeing the pile of bills on the coffee table that you are struggling to find a payment solution for.
The old hide-them-under-the-bed trick doesn’t just quite cut it.
Sometimes it’s that bad that you avoid the balance for months. You feel that if you ignore it, it will go away and by some miracle the money fairies will just wipe the debt slate clean, throw a few extra thousand dollars in there and you’ll be okay.
That’s been my life for the past five years. It’s soul sucking. It can almost destroy your sense of peace, your relationships, and your desire to live your life fully.
It can nearly break you.
Money.
They try to tell you that it doesn’t matter. That it can’t buy you happiness.
This is partly true. It’s not the money that can give you the happiness, it’s the opportunities that money provides that does.
The freedom to choose.
Photo: iStock
It’s that inability to choose that causes an unbelievable amount of stress.
I have gone through troubles in my life– self-esteem, terrible relationships, broken friendships, and a broken soul.
None of which has caused me as much stress and damage as what looking at that bank balance, and seeing it so far down in the red would do. I would sob for nights on end, lash out at others to lay blame, and have an eternal ache inside my chest and stomach.
For me this pain comes from the fact that freedom is my most esteemed value. (You can kinda get my nomadic lifestyle now right?) I fall to pieces if the tight, constrictive walls go up.
I’ve been in broke land and it is cruel. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone and I would do anything to help and support those going through this sort of crisis. I know the ache. I know the impact.
One day I think I might even be able to share what went wrong. Honestly, I still can’t even think about it for longer than 10 seconds without crying. That’s why I mostly pretend it’s not there.
It created a wall of fear in my life that had never been there before. It took me years to find the strength I needed to forgive myself and blast through it to turn my life around. There is still a tiny bit of fear that resides there. I really recognize it now, my awareness is so tuned in.
It sits there and watches. It tries to jump out and tell me that it could be all gone in a minute. That I don’t deserve it and money will leave me again. I fight with that fear every day. I know that if I let that fear grow that what it predicts will come true.
I have to use everything I have been taught to welcome money into my life, to feel good about it, to know that it is here to stay and that I deserve it. I deserve that freedom I can’t live without. And for it to stay, I have to want it for every other person as well.
Which is why anyone who ever wants to give me grief about making money off my blogs as a result of the value I provide and the hard work that I dedicate to it for at least 10 hours a day for the past two years, I want to turn around and give them a massive
FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU
I swear. I never speak to anyone like that, but I would in this case. Because they don’t know the ache I’ve been through and the determination, self-improvement and hard work it took myself to get back out of it.
I would never wish that upon anyone, so why would someone wish that for me?
It’s why I will never comment on how anyone else chooses to bring money into their lives to make it that much easier. I’ll fight to stand by others who choose to make a living doing what they love. I understand how it feels.
It is my sincerest wish for all people that they come to the point in their lives where they are no longer afraid to look at their bank balance either.
To the point where they can log in with quiet confidence, see the black number and with the biggest sigh of their life and with tears in their eyes whisper,
“Oh thank God. Thank you so much. I’ll never take it for granted ever again, and I’ll do all I possibly can to help others. I’ll be smarter and wiser and more giving this time around.”
Have you been here before? Are you still here now?
Comments
Kelly Exeter
Been there, lived that. Not living it right now and am LOVING the freedom that ‘having money in the bank’ gives me.
Freedom to relax, freedom to dream, freedom to enjoy my family.
Money can’t buy happiness? Yes, yes it can 🙂
Caz
Yes, yes, yes. That is awesome and I love to hear you celebrate it. Own it because you deserve it as does everyone! Wahoo!
Johanna
Heartfelt post.
You deserve every penny from the hard work you guys put into your blogs and social media presence. I understand the time and dedication it takes to build a following and create a business from that and it’s not easy.
On the subject of money, they say that ‘Money is the root of all evil,’ but I think that ‘Not having money is the root of all evil.’
Keep up the good work.
Jo
Caz
PURE GOLD.
And makes complete sense. Because what does not having money cause people to do: steal, kill, cheat, lie, not help others, not be the best they can. I know I was not at my best when I was so far down into the money hole.
Mrs Woog
You silly billy! You are supposed to stress and stress and not make money off doing something you love! xx
Caz
I am a topsy turvy kind of lady! I think other people feel they can’t do it themselves so have to try and stop others. If only they knew…
Karen
Hi Caz
Well done on being comfortable with your bank balance! For a long time we experienced people trying to discourage us from our dreams, discourage us from taking a ‘crazy’ path to make a living. Good on you for getting there – so many people let others’ negative comments get to them before they make it.
Since we began to live our dream, I have come to think that freedom is the key. Having money in the bank provides that freedom; freedom to not feel a need to worry, freedom to do what you love. On the other hand, if you only have money, and not health, or are still doing something you don’t enjoy, then it won’t make you happy. I think it’s what you do with it, combined with the freedom from worrying, that makes having money work for you 🙂
Caz
Freedom is everything. I used to wonder why I felt so much angst going to a job I hated and how come others seemed to be okay with it. I realized that for some security is probably their highest value so having a job makes them happy. But for me, my highest value is freedom, so to do anything I don’t like is just an awful feeling. I’ve had to work so so hard to reach this point and I’m by no means reaping in the cash, but it’s enough now to have me waking up every morning doing what I love. And its wonderful for that stress to be gone. I’ve made peace with money now and I’m happy to accept more of it because I know I can continue to do what I love and I can do so much more to help others.
@workingwomenaus
I love this – looking at the current ‘issues’ in the blogosphere from a practical POV. You deserve every happiness from your hard work. Wonderfully written x
Caz
Thank you! I think everyone needs to always try to not see an issue from the perspective of their own life but from that of the person’s they are judging. you never know what they are going through. For some people selling advertisement on their site might be the only way they can keep the electricity on and feed their children.
Janine Fitzpatrick
Thank you for this post. Having money worries is a huge burden and impacts on every aspect of life and I completely relate to everything you said. I find it so strange that to be seen to be trying to make an income from a blog is somehow distasteful and muddying the purity of the genre – I’m not sure when, how or even if I will do it but I have no issue with people finding a way to support their family from something they love – but does take a huge time commitment. There may have to be a little experimentation with different models of how to earn an income from a blog but I’m confident it can be done.
Caz
I think it can be as well Janine. It makes me really upset to hear the talk that happens as a result of bloggers making money. You’re sometimes treated as if you are a dishonest criminal. I think it mostly stems from the green eyed monster. I can’t see any other reason to justify it actually. To me it makes no sense at all to begrudge someone from making money doing what they love.
Money is a burden and a stress and I wish it were not so. I think we need to stop seeing it as something that is evil if we have it.
Lissie
Don’t even want to look at last month’s figures – I don’t think I’ve made less money from my websites for years. If you are still making a living income – well done
Caz
It’s not a huge income mind you but at least my finances are looking much better. I’m sorry you are expereincing a dip, but it’s just part of the cycle, you’ll bounce back higher!
Nikki @ Styling You
You deserve everything and more Caz. Cannot wait to see what’s around the corner for you x
Caz
Thanks Nikki and you two. Exciting times ahead
Rhonda - Silly Mummy
Good on you! Everyone deserves to have freedom. As long as it’s legal then I’m OK with it! I wish I had more time for my blog so I can start digging up some brands!
Caz
I’m the same Rhonda. As long as its legal there’s nothing wrong with it
Hannah
This is such a brilliant post. I think that Australians tend to be more critical of monetising one’s blog because we suffer from Tall Poppy Syndrome, basically. Monetisation is a far more accepted thing to do in the US and Europe because people assume that if you work hard on something and people benefit from it then it has a value justifying your compensation. Success is not something to apologise for. Instead it is celebrated and encouraged. This kind of freeing success and support for entrepreneurialism isn’t as supported here, in my opinion, and I truly hope that changes soon.
Congratulations on finding financial freedom. I hope to join your ranks soon!
Caz Makepeace
I really miss this attitude from the US and I often want to move back there just for this reason alone. I despise Tall Poppy Syndrome and I believe it is such an obstacle to so many people from moving forward and being the best they can be. So many are frightened to for fear of what others should say. We shouldn’t be living like this. We should be living our life to the fullest as we only get one and its short. I hope it changes.
Americans get a bad wrap for being too full on and fake, and I can understand that perception. I think I probably had it myself before I lived there. But they are really lovely people, who will do anything for you and who just want to embrace life and be the best. I think its admirable.
Lisa Wood
Oh I SO get what you are saying. We are still not game enough to look at the bank balance! I so get how you support others that are in the same situation. I so get how much time you have put into your blog (s) and how you deserve all of your dreams to come true. I GET this, and I am going through it 🙂
Nope wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. Nope I will never take money for granted ever again.
So looking forward to following your journey as you reach your goals, smash through them and make bigger ones. You and your family so deserve to live a life of happiness and freedom and money does make a huge difference!
Caz Makepeace
Thank you Lisa and you do too. It is a scary scary world when lack of money comes into play. I now have to work on that fear that sits there that it will all go again. Taking control of that one is hard.
debbie
I think I like you…lol…love a little honesty. I have been there done that also and its the worst. Now we make a good wage..mind you working our backside off for it and now we cop flack that we are ‘greedy’ for setting ourselves up for so we never ever go there again. Being without money is the root of all evil. Its soul destroying and I wish it on no know one. Never ever. I dont wish to be a millionaire I just wish never ever to be near losing my house and marriage again. xxDeb
Caz Makepeace
So hear you Debbie. It is the root of all evil- the impact it has on your life is tremendous. The majority of marriages fail because of it and just think about the impact that has on our children. Not greedy at all, just living out what you deserve and is your birthright.
Michi
I feel like money is a very tender issue for me sometimes. Just because I’ve had to work so hard to have the small savings that I do. And for the past year, my husband and I have felt stuck in this Spanish economy, living off of my meager teaching income and whatever savings we have/had. It’s definitely time to take a leap (our lease is finally up), and after I’m done working this summer, we’re leaving Spain. We’re just not entirely sure yet of which direction we’ll head in (one is more practical but not exactly the lifestyle we desire, whereas the other seems a dream and something we’d both love to just do despite it taking us further away from family). Our savings will only allow us to head in one direction, so… well, after this summer, here goes… I just hope we don’t end up feeling trapped.
Caz Makepeace
I understand the meager teaching income. Follow that dream, you can achieve it. You have to walk the path that makes you feel the best. I know being away from family is hard, but it will be even harder if you are staying near them but living a life you hate.
Youth
Great article rightly emphasizing upon the importance of being not fearful in today’s world. Optimism is the key to success. You don’t get anything if you don’t try for it and youth development is of great importance in my point of view. I think there should be more part time jobs for youth so that they can have a taste of practical life and be prepared before they take on a full time job.