I no longer want to run
“Do you still want to move to America?”
My chakra healer asked before we jumped into our rebalancing therapy.
“You know I don’t even really think about it anymore. I don’t have time.”
Tiffany’s question really made me stop and think.
That longing I have always had to be somewhere else has gone. The angst at wishing this moment away for the next one that would make me happier has disappeared.
I rarely even think about the future anymore. It’s not that I don’t have goals and things I am working towards, but my focus is totally here in this moment.
I’ve learned from the gurus years that this is the only moment that counts and is the space we should be living from, but I could never quite get it right.
It’s hard to live in the moment when bills are mounting up and no money is coming in. It’s hard to live in the moment when your retirement disappears before your eyes and you’re forced to make choices you don’t want to make.
It’s hard when you are living a life you don’t like. In moments like this the moment sucks. All you want to do is rue the past filled with mistakes and desperately pine for a future that is better.
There are still things about my life that I want to change. I want to have my own house with my children with a big backyard, and a deck overlooking the water, and an office overlooking the deck. But I am not desperate about it anymore.
I’m content to keep doing what I am doing every day and I trust that it will arrive to me when the time is right.
I still want lots of travel on the horizon next year, with a trip around the world with my family. But, I know that the Universe is creating that path for me based upon what I want and what it knows the path of my purpose is.
I trust.
Wow. What an amazing discovery to make. What an empowering thing to be able to say. I trust that everything is how it should be. I can give up all the worry and fears.
My life is so fulfilled that even though I desire changes and look forward to another scenario, these thoughts don’t consume me as I am too busy living. Too busy enjoying every moment.
Every moment is filled with challenges, joys, heartache, laughter, and every emotion you could possible go through, but now I don’t want to run from them. I just want to experience them for what they are and I know they will soon pass.
Sitting on the train this morning I have some alone time and all these thoughts are running through my head. I felt so much gratitude for my country Australia. I never wanted to move back here, but I had a strong feeling within me that I had to.
The Universe is so amazing, it will speak to you and when it shouts you better listen as it knows better than you. Returning to Australia was a gift. I hated it for months and was so bitter, but it has given me so many life-changing opportunities. It has looked after me when times were tough.
We would not have come so far if it wasn’t for this incredible country. How lucky are we to be born here? How lucky are my children?
I thought about what Tiffany said and I asked myself,
“Well do you want to move to the States? Or is your anger with Australia over now and you don’t feel you have to run anymore?”
I don’t have an answer. I don’t have an answer because I’m finally content in this moment. Right now I am happy here. Right now I have all the opportunities.
Perhaps in three months’ time that may change and I’ll want to move back. I think a part of me will always want to move back. Raleigh is my home. So is Thailand. So is Australia.
Perhaps in six months we’ll move to Thailand, maybe in a year it could be Dubai, or maybe we find a house here in Oz and stay.
I’m not concerned anymore. I’m not wishing my days away until what I want arrives. I’m just enjoying every moment that is gifted to me.
I trust that whatever happens each day is meant to happen. In the end I don’t have to try and control it, I just have to learn from it and use the power of each moment to move to the next which is just as perfect as the former.
I think I have finally discovered liberation and the real purpose of life.
Do you live just for the present or are you pining for a future of happiness?
Comments
Caroline
Oh Caz, I feel like I’ve been running my whole life. This was such a perfect post for me to read today. Thank you for sharing…x
Caz Makepeace
I’m glad/hope it helped. The running can be so tiring. At times I think it is good to run, if it can give you a clean start. Sometimes though we just have to face that things change and learn to embrace them.
Marnie Byod
I agree. It is really hard to live the life that you never been love. Sometimes I feel the same way like you that were going to run for the sake of something. It is really great I had learn something.
Thanks a lot for sharing!
Kelly Exeter
Oh I do love that you’re no longer dying to get away from Australia. I love this fair country of ours and I am so pleased you’re starting to fall back in love (or like?!) with it too 🙂
It’s really hard to stop looking towards a future where ‘everything will be perfect when this happens’ – and it’s hard when you feel like you’re living day to day. But it sounds like you’ve found a nice balance Caz 🙂
Caz Makepeace
I think I am finally getting there. Australia is such an amazing country. I’m really very grateful. We went through such a challenging time that I resented it for so long. I’m learning to shut out the things that annoy me and just embrace all that is wonderful. What a journey it’s been!
Sonia @ Natural New Age Mum
I have been following your travel stories and thinking what a great life you had !! I agree with living in the present moment – I am not into making too many plans! 🙂
Caz Makepeace
I am so hopeless with plans Sonia. I know I should have one especially with the blogging and business, but I just can’t follow them. I always have a greater vision I am working towards and a general path I am following, but if those roses on the other path are just too beautiful, then I am going to go over there and smell them!
Sonia @ Natural New Age Mum
I struggle with writing blog plans and schedules – I like to write them intuitively when I can! 🙂
Sonia @ Natural New Age Mum
I rarely do blogging plans and schedules, unless I am forced to – like now at Xmas time! I prefer to write them intuitively! 🙂
Johanna
I only had time to skim, but you grabbed my attention and I read it all, and here I am at the end and commenting! Insightful post 🙂 So good to hear of someone being content in the moment and you seem to have all your priorities right, Caz. As a relative ‘newbie’ to Australia there still isn’t a day goes past when I don’t count my lucky blessings to be here, in such an amazing country with so many opportunities, and then I count some more for my ‘big’ kids (just in case they aren’t counting too!).
Caz Makepeace
So beautiful to hear Johanna. I think when you compare our lifestyle to so many other countries, we have it so good here. We would never have been able to have done what we have somewhere else. I’m glad my eyes were finally woken up.
edenland
Caz I teared up at this.
I’ve been home for a few hours and I feel SO out of sorts. India is enchanting and bewildering.
I can totally see you going there one day – without the kids, just you and Craig. Mindblowing. I keep wanting to move away too, infernal restless spirit!
Love to you. And you were totally right about those squat toilets … they are perfectly designed. Xxxx
Caz Makepeace
I don’t think I could handle India with the kids, at least not now anyway, Australia is hard enough. I’ve been following your journey Eden. From all the travellers I know who have been there, it is the place they struggle with the most. I’ve heard you either love it or hate it, and either way it really affects you. One of our best American friends is Indian born and we love him, so that’s a positive. The spirit never wants to stop roaming, but that’s natural right?
So glad you fell in love with the squatters! Can’t beat them, especially when they get clogged up, or when you are in China and there are no walls and doors and you all do it together in the public space. I’m sure that’s India right there too! I hope you can settle back into home soon. I know how tough it can be.
Toni
I am so glad that I saw the title and read your post Caz; I needed it; truly.
After Africa last year I felt at total peace with my life, heart and soul (something I’d been seeking for 11 years) and I knew where I wanted to go in my future and how to get there but at the beginning of this year, my life turned upside down due to a breakdown and 10 months later, my peace seems a million miles away.
When I have the energy I am taking small but important steps to get to Australia next year and work towards my new, content life but for now, I am very much like you were, resenting where I live (and everything around me) and not wanting to be here a second longer.
Thank you for showing me that peace, contentment and happiness can be on my horizon.
I wish you lots of love in your continued path of happiness 🙂
Caz Makepeace
My pleasure Toni. You can really have the happiness no matter where you are.
What really helped me this time was treating my home area like I was a tourist. We have discovered so many beautiful places as a result. While I still don’t want to live in this region, I’ve been able to at least appreciate it somewhat.
The blog has also helped tremendously as it has given me a purpose to work towards. I think if you can find that purpose then you’ll find happiness.
I read your Mumford And Sons post. How did you score tickets to such a small gig. I love them!
Toni
You’re right and that’s exactly what I’ve done this year…become a tourist and I truly appreciate the beautiful surroundings I’m living in. I think my difficulty is that my town, as much as I love the scenery, is currently full of negative situations and people which, for the moment, I can’t get away from so I resent staying here. However, I’m hopeful that things will turn around and if they don’t, I can keep living in the present whilst I work towards my Australian future next year. I think you’ve definitely got the right idea that it’s about acceptance.
I think the Universe took pity on me with Mumford and Sons 🙂 I missed out in both the pre-sale and general sale but saw the offer of a ticket ballot (for some that they had held back) through their newsletter so I signed up on the off chance and just happened to be online when the invitation for the tickets came through 🙂 Better still, the theatre was in my home town and it cost me the bargain basement price of £23.50…thought I’d make you even more jealous 😉
Caz Makepeace
So awesome!! Love it when the magic arrives.
I know what it is like to be surrounded by negative situations and people. It can be a real battle to overcome that. It felt like a huge fight for me the past two years, I’ve had to build a barrier of I don’t care and I won’t let you drag me down. You can rise above them, you’re strong enough.
Vanessa
I’ve considered where I want to live a lot. I spent my childhood bouncing between places & while I love that for the taste of travel it gave me, I don’t want to be all over the place.
I want a home AND lots of travel.
I thought staying still was losing out but now I’m even convinced I love the suburb I live in and I want to buy a house here, somewhere to have my space between journeys.
Who knows how or when that will happen, but it took a long time to realise that just being in one place isn’t losing. I had that implied to me many times over my life & it was hard to stop seeing it.
But then I looked around at all the features and conveniences I have & I couldn’t think of anywhere else that would offer me the same, and that’s when I realised staying still wasn’t losing out – it was enjoying what I have.
Caz Makepeace
I think I am totally warming to have a space between the journeys. I’m tired of having everything in boxes and unsure about where I’ll be next. But, at the same time, I love that constant change.
I’d just llove to have it all Vanessa. The home and the travel. Surely it can happen right?
Maxabella
That ‘trust’ thing is very hard to come by, Caz. This was a very calming and inspiring piece to read. x
Caz Makepeace
Thanks Bron! I have to keep the “Just trust” mantra going sometimes, but it is working for me!